Running Diary: Celtics vs. Spurs, 2/10/08

February 10, 2008

Welcome to “Out in Left Field’s” first running diary. First of all, yes we stole this idea from the great Bill Simmons… If you have a problem with this, please feel free to fuck yourself. Anyways, what’s the special occasion? Celtics vs. Spurs, which, if there is a God, will be a preview of the 2008 NBA Finals. Although this game would be a hell of a lot different if KG and Tony Parker were playing, it should be exciting nonetheless.

One quick note: Lets talk about Damon Stoudamire for a second. He was recently bought out by the Grizzlies, who have like the 3^rd worst record in the NBA, and then signed by the Spurs, the defending champs. The real-world equivalent to this would be if you were working at an extremely shitty job, your boss fired you, but still decided to pay you for the rest of your yearly salary anyways. Then you were instantly hired by a new employer, working for a much more successful company; you’re enjoying yourself a lot more and you’re still getting paid by the old company. Hmmm, David Stern, sounds like a loop hole in the rulebook.

Since today’s game will be on ABC, unfortunately Tommy Heinsohn will not be announcing it. If you’ve never experienced a game commentated (is that a word?) by Heinsohn, you are definitely missing out. He’s the oldest, most senile, most biased announcer in history. If he was on national TV, he would have been fired years ago… In fact, with some of the stuff that he says, I really wouldn’t be surprised if he routinely chugs a bottle of Old Grandad during commercial breaks. During a Rockets game last year, Yao Ming jams his finger, and Tommy yells “Ouch, that was his chopstick finger!.” Recently against the Magic, Hedo Turkoglu hit a couple big shots, and Tommy says ‘I hate that guy… someone should take away his green card!”

Yes! Walton is doing the commentary for this game. “This Celtics team is the greatest defensive team ever!” “Throw it down, Big Baby! Throw it down, one time!”

12:54 – A Brady Quinn commercial… here’s a great marketing strategy, lets hire a 2^nd string QB for the Cleveland Browns to do a commercial for us, that will really sell our product! The 30 seconds he just spent promoting EAS was more time than he had on the field last season.

1:01 – Fuck, Bill Walton is stuck in the studio today, we’re changing the channel now

1:02 – Is there any proof that Tim Duncan has ever had a girlfriend/wife? I don’t think I’ve ever seen any video footage of him besides televised Spurs games. Does he do anything else besides play basketball? It seems as if he never displays any emotion, so maybe he isn’t really even a human being, merely a robot created with the sole purpose of playing basketball. Someone needs to look into this.

1:02 – So the team with the best record in the NBA this year is starting a frontcourt with Leon Powe and Brian Scalabrine. Let’s just put in Scot Pollard for some comic relief, and continuously make jokes referring to them as the ‘Big Three.’

1:04 – Nice jumper by Jesus Shuttlesworth, well done! I wonder if the Celtics lured him to Boston by inviting him into a hotel room that had two beautiful twins who were already naked and willing to sleep with him.

1:05 – Rondo, you can’t shoot, please remember this next time you try to shoot a 20 foot jumper

1:08 – Celts 15 Spurs 11 – Pierce 13 Ginobili 11, these guys are putting on a fucking clinic

1:10 – Jacque Vaughn still plays in the NBA?

1:13 – It seems like ever since Garnett has been injured, the Celtics have forgotten how to play defense. I need to find stats that justify this.

1:15 – Yes, please, let’s rub in the fact that the Celts were one pick away from drafting Tim Duncan in 1997. At least we got Ron Mercer and one year with Chauncey Billups.

1:18 – Van Gundy “Pierce isn’t a ‘rafter numbers’ player yet.” I disagree. The fact that he is 6^th all-time in Celtics history in points scored should be enough alone to qualify him as a ‘rafter numbers’ player. Along with that stat, he also has a 23.3. career scoring average and is a 6 time all star.

1:23 – Nice look, Big Shot Bob… I guess we know why he isn’t called “great pass Bob”

1:25 – Big Baby on Duncan… hmmm, mismatch?

1:26 – Van Gundy – “Davis doesn’t elevate well off the ground” Jeff, he’s 6’8’’ 375 pounds, is it really that astounding that Big Baby can’t jump?

1:28 – End of the first, Spurs 23 Celts 20, 75 missed layups by the Celts

1:28 – Someone from the “Cashmere Mafia” just introduced herself. ABC, I think you’re advertising to the wrong crowd here. For the most part, the main audience that watches NBA basketball is men. Please stop it with the cameos from these new horrible, feminine TV shows. No man will ever sink low enough to watching Cashmere Mafia, Desperate Housewives, or Women’s Murder Club.

1:33 – Please ABC, also stop using this horrifying fucking camera angle. If I wanted to see the game like this, I’d go to it, and sit as far from the court as possible.

1:34 – I wonder if playing for the “no fun team” will hurt Damon Stoudamire’s street cred. Probably not. Besides, he’s too high to notice.

1:37 – These have to be the two oldest teams in the NBA, right? They even play old man style, with sharp passes to nowhere and goofy hook shots.

1:41 – There’s a guy on the Spurs named Chewbacca, do these guys have a translator on the bench? It’s like the fucking UN out there.

1:42 – I just saw Damon Stoudamire trying to smoke the green paint on the floor of the Garden, dude has a problem.

1:49 – I’m not the first to write this, nor will I be the last, but the look on Tim Duncan’s face when they call fouls on him makes me want to slap him, and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t do anything back, because he seems to be a huge pussy. Plus KG’s got my back.

1:51 – Van Gundy and Mark Jackson just argued about whether or not it’s kosher to have calls go against superstars. These guys will fight to the death by the fourth quarter.

1:52 – Great uplifting story about Leon Powe’s little brother “accidentally burning the house down.” I’m not even gonna comment on that one.

1:53 – Adam: “is there a requirement on the Spurs that you have to have a beard?”

1:55 – Mark Jackson: “Its time for Oberto to take over the game.” Really Mark? Even if he was playing in a Men’s league, I still don’t think Obierto would ever be talented enough to take over a game.

1:56 – Ladies and gentleman, Brian Scalabrine! He just broke out his infamous, much praised spinning falling down jump shot that doesn’t even hit the backboard, much less the rim. Keep it up Scal, they’ll start to fall soon enough.

2:02 – Yup, Van Gundy and Jackson are definitely going to fight.

2:03 – CAMERA ANGLE. FUCK!! This is making me dizzy, the skycam is a TERRIBLE idea for basketball.

2:03 – Halftime. Spurs 41, Celts 43. Paul Pierce has at least 40 of those points. Could you imagine how good he would be if he was in shape?

2:19 – Wow, “A Raisin in the Sun,” starring and produced by Diddy. Wow. I can’t wait. I’m sure it’ll be a very intellectual film.

2:24 – Duncan is graceless. There, I said it. He makes everything look more difficult.

2:26 – Another priceless Adam quote: “looks like Scalabrine has Heismophobia, the fear of being rejected.” Quality.

2:27 – What?! Ginobili reminds Mark Jackson of Earl Campbell and Jerome Bettis?? He reminds Van Gundy of Wyatt Earp?! Where do they find these guys. What is the requirement to be a color commentator? A voice box?

2:28 – Scalabrine with the running hook shot. That’s the 15^th time this game they’ve said that he is a “crowd favorite.” Kinda like the way the crowd cheered for Cuba Gooding Jr. in “Radio.”

2:37 – AIRBALLLLL Scalabrine!!!!! I want to start going to games and just writing about him and him alone.

2:47 – They just explained the beard thing. The Spurs are forcing team unity. Making their guys grow beards. Players I now want to be on the Spurs: Adam Morrison, Steve Nash, Rajon Rondo, Scot Pollard, and JJ Reddick.

3:02 – I really like how the Spurs play basketball. They get the ball to Duncan, if he’s double teamed, he passes out to one of his teammates for a wide open jumper. This team does not miss jumpers. If he isn’t double teamed, he looks to score and he’s pretty good at that. Flawless.

3:07 – Still no Scott Pollard, what the fuck! I guess they don’t want to put the game away just yet.

3:09 – Van Gundy: “Great defense by Glen Davis – he’s got his hands on a lot if balls.” Wow, just wow.

3:10 – Davis really is surprising me with his defense today, he’s guarding Duncan like he’s a bucket of fried chicken

3:20 – Big rebound, big shot, big baby

3:22 – Pierce with 35 points so far today, great game

3:30 – Ray Allen with two big free throws… Celts up by 5 with 30 seconds left

3:33 – Ginobili tries a running one handed shotput 3 pointer, uglier than Duncan’s face, and misses horribly

3:38 – Celtics win 98-90

(Epilogue: Yes, I think we stopped writing midway through the 3^rd quarter)

- Scottie & Dave