A few days ago, I experienced something more painful than urinating shards of glass: I tuned into game 5 of the Stanley Cup playoffs, Red Wings vs. Penguins. Even worse, I decided to write a running diary on it.
The writers of "Well Below the Mendoza Line" realize that we need to broaden our audience, since there are only a small percentage of San Diego Padres & Boston Celtics fans in the world. We aren't biased, just lazy.
The results: I've now appeased the few NHL fans in the country (as long as you don't mind my blatant criticism of this terrible excuse for a sport).
I don't think I've watched a hockey game in ages, which is surprising since I'm from Maine... Now I know why. This was the most boring sporting event I have ever witnessed, hands down, and I didn't even start watching it until the start of the second overtime!
11:44 – Nothing pumps me up more than an “All-American Rejects” song!
11:45: Pittsburgh subs in their second line, which is 5 guys at once. This leads me to believe that Doc Rivers is coaching the Penguins tonight.
11:47: Both of these announcers sound very Canadian, which must be a requirement for hockey, because I’m sure you have to travel far and wide to find an American that enjoys this sport.
11:48: I’ve been watching for five minutes and no fights yet! I thought there were like 97 fights a game?
11:48: The announcer just reminded us that next goal wins…we’re 5 minutes into the 2nd overtime
11:50: Apparently a controversial penalty of “goaltender interference” was just called on the Red Wings, which has really fired up the announcers. The only thing worse that could have happened is someone drinking their last Molson.
11:51: We’re told yet again, “next goal wins!”
11:52: Two minutes pass by where Pittsburgh has an extra player, and they still can’t score. This doesn’t make sense to me. In the NBA, the opposing team could probably score 20 points in two minutes of 4 on 5.
11:55: This is starting to get boring – Someone needs to do something exciting, like take off their skate and slit someone’s throat with it. Where’s Todd Bertuzzi when you need him?
11:57: We almost witnessed a fight, but it was merely pushing and shoving. My #1 stereotype of hockey has been ruined… no wonder why no one watches this sport.
11:59: These goalies are either really awesome, or these two offenses are terrible. I’m not sure. Detroit has taken like 86 shots so far, and the Pitt goalie has stopped them all.
12:00: Where the fuck are all the commericials? If this was the NBA or NFL, there would have already been 76 commercials in this period alone.
12:01: Dallas Drake enters the game, who, judging by his name, must be a porn star. I can’t wait to see his sketchy moustache.
12:02: My attention span is dwindling, it’s been almost 20 minutes now and no one has put the puck in the net. There was more scoring in my freshman year of college.
12:03: They just panned across both benches, and EVERY SINGLE PLAYER had a moustache/beard combo. All of them. Meanwhile, I’m 24 and can’t even grow one single chin pube. I don’t think I’d be allowed to play hockey.
12:06: At last, I’ve found a rebellious player: Malkin isn’t sporting a stashe or beard. The Canadian Mounties need to arrest this man!
12:08: Big hit by Detroit, finally, something relatively exciting has happened. At this point, I think a preseason WNBA game would be more stimulating.
12:09: Still no commercials. Hasn’t anyone in the NHL ever thought “hey, we’re broke as fuck and we need to raise some money. How about we advertise?” Seriously, are any of the NHL execs aware that these games are televised? At least broadcast a Molson or a french fries and gravy ad. Get some damn sponsors!
12:11: The NHL is a professional sport, right? (I'm sure some would claim to differ). To pump some excitement into the league, why not legally permit steroids? Could you imagine a hockey player with roid rage? Hell, I'd watch every game for the opportunity to see that on a daily basis - angry Canadians checking opposing players through the glass, swatting guys with their sticks, and brawls every other second. Fuck the scoring, everyone knows that people only watch this game for the fights anyway. Steroids would clearly make the inevitable confrontations more interesting. Come on NHL, lets make it happen!
12:13: Please. End. Soon. For the love of god.
12:14: End of the 2nd OT, still going strong.
12:15: and the Intermission Report begins, sponsored by…wait for it… Heineken! Apparently the NHL thinks its primary audience is young black men.
12:18: FYI - the NHL on NBC is brought to you by Honey Dew Donuts and Amica insurance!
12:20: The announcer tells me this is fun to watch, and I’m not sure if he’s watching the same game as I am.
12:30: OT #3 begins
12:33: I just realized the last time I watched hockey was “Mighty Ducks 2,” which was at least mildly entertaining.
12:39: Hey I just found out again that the next goal wins. Listen – anyone that’s watching a hockey game at 12:40 is very dedicated to the sport, (except me, I’m just really fucking bored) so I’m sure they are familiar with the rules.
12:41: High sticking penalty called on a Detroit player who looks asian. 4 minutes in the penalty box. In other words, four more minutes where Pitt has a clear advantage and will still probably blow it.
12:45: Goal!!!!!!! Apparently this Sakora guy called his shot by claiming that he’d get the game winner, and he did. Pitt wins 4-3.
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