Wait... What?

Imagine my surprise when I looked at the newspaper this morning and read the following gem in the U-T:

"As the Padres feared, shortstop Khalil Greene fractured his left hand on Wednesday night when he slammed a storage chest at Petco Park in frustration over his season-long slump."

You have got to be kidding me. As if we weren't doing bad enough. Now we lost any semblance of defense we once had up the middle because Khalil Greene -- of all people -- decided to show some emotion and frustration and let loose for a second.

This is a team that routinely grounds in to double plays to end the game and doesn't seem to give two shits. The last position player with any emotion was forcibly thrown down by our fearless leader and strangled with his own ACL (see: Bradley, Milton).

I hate my life. Go Padres.

Silly Sports Related Pic of the Week

Trevor Hoffman shows a fan where Benji Molina's last HR landed.

WBML's Midseason Baseball Awards - NL

Since Scottie was kind enough to write about the AL (aka the league with the douchy-est fans in the country), I will now gladly do my first half of the season review of the NL. What a strange season it’s been so far. First of all, the reigning NL champion is a paltry 37 – 51. In fact, the NL West, one of the strongest divisions in baseball last year, is absolutely atrocious (combined 196-243). No one can win a game. The NL got absolutely stomped in interleague play this season, and looked completely outmatched by even the worst teams in the AL.

Not a good time to be an NL fan.

Without further ado, let me dive right in to my midseason awards:

NL MVP Award – Adrian Gonzales
Holy shit! Dave picked a Padres player! I know surprise surprise. But before you get all righteous and indignant, let me back up my claim. The pride of Eastlake High School is having an absolutely monstrous season, with 22 HR (3^rd in the NL), 70 RBI (2^nd in the NL), and 7 BroBI’s, which is far and away the most in baseball. As of today, Adrian is responsible for 30.6% of the runs scored by his team (70 RBI and 52 R, minus the 22 RBI and R that come from his HRs, out of a team total of 327 runs). Completely absurd. Too bad the Padres suck at life.

Honorable mention – Chipper Jones, Chase Utley, Albert Pujols

NL LVP Award – Andruw Jones, Michael Barrett (tie)
I don’t even know where to start with these two. Andruw Jones has been absolutely awful. Dude showed up to spring training this year looking like he was spending 100 dollars a day on 5 dollar footlongs from Subway. Just a giant FU to Dodger fans. Then he followed it up with hitting .155. His range in the outfield is completely gone. Awful. Oh yeah and they’re paying him $18.1 million. Per year.

Anyone who frequents www.gaslampball.com and sees my posts (as justdave) knows how I feel about Michael Barrett. But for those of you who don’t, let me enlighten you. I feel that he in unequivocally the most worthless player in baseball. This is a guy we acquired for his bat that is batting .202. Oh and that last at bat where he took a ball to the face? That’s his first at bat over the Mendoza Line since April. And did I mention he couldn’t throw out a Molina brother stealing 2^nd? Every single hit by an opposing team is instantly stretched in to a double, sometimes even a triple. I would argue that Michael Barrett is indirectly responsible for more Padres losses than any other player, and I encourage someone to do the research for me (too lazy).

Honorable mention – Barry Zito, Aaron Harang (for singlehandedly killing my fantasy team, that pick is out of spite)

NL Cy Young – Tim Lincecum
Oh man. Have you watched this kid pitch? Really? Here, look at this video. Read this article. This kid is 10 – 1, with a 2.49 ERA and 122 K’s, the most dominant performance by an NL rookie since the Doc in 1985. For some reason he isn’t starting the All Star game, and while Volquez is having himself quite a little season, he’s no Lincecum. This kid is the next superstar in MLB, mark my words. 5’10”, 172 lbs, throws 98(!!!!!!!!) mph, with a curveball that buckles my knees, and I’m watching him on TV. Yes, I have a man-crush on Tim Lincecum. Its pretty obscene.

Honorable Mention – Edinson Volquez

The Barry Zito Award for the Anti-Cy Young – Barry Zito
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA.
Stupid Giants, your money bought you a case of Herpes. He’s awful. His fastball has lost an extraordinary amount of velocity. His curveball doesn’t cross the plate for strikes. He’s had so many issues that it’s pushed Bruce Bochy’s abnormally sized head near the point of explosion. Their front office seems to have chosen poorly. Honestly? I couldn’t be happier.

Honorable Mention – n/a. no one is even close.

NL Rookie of the Year – Edgar Gonzales (aka Skinny Me)
Follow my logic here. Not only is Edgar hitting .309 (which to the Padres is like hitting .709), he is directly responsible for Adrian’s dominance this season. Adrian just looks happier with big Bro chillin on the field next to him. And if you combine their numbers together, they have 25 HR and 85 RBI, which means the Fighting Gonzalii are putting up MVP caliber numbers here (notice I have AGon as my MVP up there, like the continuity?) so they should at least be ROY, ya know? FOLLOW ME DAMMIT!

NL Manager of the Year – Bud Black
the man is an All Star Manager!!! You have to respect his ability to juggle the offensive three headed juggernaut that is the Padres Left Field (McAnulty, Hairston, Headley). I don’t know how he does it. And don’t get me started with his genius with our bullpen. Trevor never blows tie games! Put him in every time!

Seriously though it should be no one. Did you watch interleague play this year? We got outplayed, outmanaged, and outmoustached. Outhustled, outthought, outpitched, outhit, outeverythinged. We all suck. Our managers are garbage. I hate my life.

You gotta give Bob Melvin some love though, who else could coach a sub-500 team to the top of the mountain?

WBML's Midseason Baseball Awards - AL

It’s halfway through the 2008 baseball season, and you know what that means:

Every writer makes their picks for the end of the year awards based entirely on the statistics of the first few months, and nearly all of the winners will inevitably be different at the end of the season, causing these writers’ all to look like morons.

The Well Below the Mendoza Line staff (both of us) are firm believers that predicting the end of the year awards at the halfway point of the season is irrelevant, so our midseason baseball awards are below.

Scottie will be in charge of the American League, which makes sense since he is the superior writer, and the AL is the only league in baseball that matters. Dave will be conducting our much anticipated predictions for the National League award winners. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the NL, it’s the other league in baseball, also known as “AAAA” (since it’s not quite on the same level as the AL). The NL teams are usually the ones swept by the AL in the world series.

AL MVP – Josh Hamilton. Wow, I feel wrong just writing that. Josh Hamilton??? His numbers can’t be ignored though… he’s leading the league in RBIs with an astonishing 82, his 19 homeruns are tied for second best in the AL, and he is batting .308 as well. More importantly, Hamilton’s success gives hopes to crackheads everywhere – three years ago he was addicted to just about every drug imaginable, including crack cocaine, he has been in rehab eight times since then, and has missed three and a half years due to his addictions. Now he’s near the top of AL in nearly every main hitting category. Maybe the Olsen twins and Lindsey Lohan should consider taking up baseball.

AL LVP – Paul Konerko. It appears that Konerko’s baseball abilities are depleting faster than the ozone layer. He continues to flirt with the Mendoza Line, hitting an awful .215, good enough for worst in the AL. At the midway point of the season, he’s currently on the injured list with an oblique strain, and only has 8 homeruns and 30 RBIs. If he ever recovers from his injury, he will surely be demoted to the NL, where his .215 batting average would be tied for 15^th best in the league.

AL Cy Young – Francisco Rodriguez. See, this is why midseason predictions are useless. Does anyone seriously believe that Joe Saunders and Cliff Lee will still be competing for the AL Cy Young in September? I don’t, so I’m going out on a limb and giving the award to K Rod, who seems all but destined to break Bobby Thigpen’s record for most saves in a season. With 34 saves before the all-star break and a sub 2 ERA, he’s been virtually unhittable so far. In 37 innings, he’s only allowed 22 hits and 8 runs. He’s successfully converted all but two save opportunities.

Rookie of the Year –Joba Chamberlain. With only six career starts under his belt, he’s already the greatest pitcher in baseball history. Chamberlain is 6-0 as a starter this year, with 5 no-hitters and one perfect game. Amazingly, he has only thrown 12 balls, and those were on purpose – he loaded the bases simply because he was bored and wanted a challenge.

In all seriousness, I like Evan Longoria to win this award. Although I’d love to be a homer and go with my boy Jacoby Ellsbury, Longoria has put up better numbers than him in almost every category (except for the obvious, stolen bases).

Manager of the Year – Ozzie Guillen. Guillen epitomizes everything a good manager should be – he publicly calls out his players for sucking, strictly using profanity, he complains to the media that his GM is doing a shitty job, and overall is just a complete douche bag to everyone. Apparently this rather unique managerial approach is working though. His White Sox have the 4^th best record in the AL, are tops in the league in homeruns, and also have the best ERA.

The Rollie Fingers Award for the MLB’s Best moustache – Jason Giambi. Giambi is resurrecting his career simply because of what he’s not doing: shaving the area above his upper lip. I’ve actually heard broadcasters say that Giambi resembles a “70’s era adult films star,” which is awesome, although I think he resembles more of a pedophile. He also publicly brags about wearing a gold thong under his uniform every game. No one in baseball looks cooler than him right now; he deserves some recognition for having the balls to grow a ‘stache like his.

The Rick Ankiel Award for the Player That Should Probably Start to Re-Think His Career Path – Dontrelle Willis. To help explain the downward spiral of Dontrelle Willis’s career, I found a quote from Jim Leyland: "He was actually not too bad. He was around the plate, wasn't really wild. He walked three guys but it wasn't like he was all over the place." FYI, these are post game comments from Willis's most recent performance... for Detroit's SINGLE A minor league affiliate. Ouch. He's been getting shelled consistently in the majors this year (0-1 with a 10.32 ERA in four starts) and now he's struggling against single A competition after being demoted to the Lakeland Flying Tigers.

The Michael Barrett Award for the Player I hope Hits Himself in the Face With a Foul Ball – Julio Lugo. Every day I wake up in the morning, log onto my computer, order a “Tom Emanski Instructional Baseball Video,” and ship it off to Julio Lugo. My odds are pretty good that he receives them – these videos surely aren’t going to get lost amongst any fan mail. However, since he’s only playing worse as the season continues, I’m fairly certain he pays no attention to my attempts at improving his awful play. The Red Sox are paying him over 9 million this year, and he brings absolutely nothing to the table. He’s batting .263, has only one homerun and 19 RBIs in 244 at bats, and is tied for the major-league lead in errors. Even more impressive is the fact that Lugo is quite fast, yet he’s managed to ground into 13 double plays, tied for 7^th in the majors. The only thing Lugo does consistently is grab his nuts.

- Scottie

Danny Ainge: Please Put Down the Bottle of Scotch

As a Celtics fan, I’m a bit nervous about next season. After reviewing a few of Danny Ainge’s recent transactions, along with some new additions he’s considering, I’ve decided that one of two things is occurring:
1. Ainge has recently hired Isiah Thomas as his financial advisor
2. He’s currently on a three-week bender, spending his days drinking scotch with Tommy Heinsohn and watching game tape from the late 90’s. Due to this massive state of intoxication, he’s brainstorming thoughts like “Darius Miles played great in his cameo in “Van Wilder,” signing him would be an awesome idea” and “Corey Maggette averaged 22 points a game last season, we could have the big 4!”

If Ainge has been on an alcoholic binge, he has a good reason for it – in a single year, he completely transformed the Celtics from a perennial cellar dweller into NBA Champions. Entirely due to his successfully orchestrated offseason moves, the Celtics raised their 17^th world championship banner. The city of Boston will now love him forever.

But seriously, Danny, what the fuck are you trying to do to this team????

One of the key reasons the Celtics were so great is that they had chemistry last year. These guys all enjoyed being around each other. It was apparent from the beginning, during their preseason trip to Rome, and even more obvious while they were celebrating their victory in game 6 of the NBA finals.

KG, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen all put aside their own individual accolades and made sacrifices for the team, so that the Celtics would be more successful as a unit. James Posey came off the bench as a lock-down defender that consistently hit clutch shots, P.J. Brown played big minutes when KG or Perk were in foul trouble, Eddie House, Rajon Rondo’s backup, provided instant offense when he was used, and Leon Powe contributed with some much-needed rebounding and scoring. Each player had his own specific role – there wasn’t one man that stood above the rest.

Now it appears that Ainge is trying to ruin this chemistry. He recently drafted J.R. Giddens, and has brought in numerous players for workouts, two of which include (gulp) Corey Maggette and Darius Miles.

J.R. Giddens – Giddens had a remarkable senior year with New Mexico, leading the MWC in rebounding from the guard spot and was fourth in scoring. At the 30^th selection in the NBA draft, Boston couldn’t have picked up a player with more talent and potential. However, J.R. has had a very troubled past, which includes involvement in a plot to steal from wal-mart, he was charged in connection with a bar fight in Kansas (also being stabbed in the leg in the process), and was also suspended at New Mexico for an attitude problem. These incidents were all a few years apart, so it’s clear that Giddens does not learn from his mistakes. Does he really deserve a fourth chance?

Corey Maggette – Where does he fit in with this team? Not only has Maggette always been a me-first player that only looks for his own shots, but signing him eliminates the cap space required to sign James Posey. The Celtics would not have won their recent title without Posey. Joe Johnson would have scored 40 a game in the first round if Ray Allen was forced to cover him (look what happened at the end of game 4, Johnson was scoring at will) and Paul Pierce would not have been an offensive factor if he was exerting all of his energy guarding LeBron and Kobe for 40+ minutes a game. Pierce is a great defender, but he’s no James Posey. Corey Maggette would be cancerous to this team – he brings nothing to the table except his scoring ability, which is very inconsistent anyway, and he also doesn’t seem like the type of player that would embrace a reserve role.

Darius Miles – No, this isn’t a joke, the Celtics really did bring in Darius Miles for a workout. Since I’m sure you’d like to know, here’s what Miles has been doing recently: in the past three months, he has been suspended for 10 games for violating the NBA’s substance abuse policy, and was also told by doctors that he has knee damage serious enough to be career-ending. He hasn’t played in a regular season game since 2005, and to top it all off, he’s also historically been a locker room cancer. These are all well-known facts, yet Ainge still decides it would be a good idea to take a look at Miles. The one positive aspect of signing Darius would be that Scot Pollard would finally have someone that he could cheech his apartment with.

After the news of these workouts leaked, I’m sure Ainge’s voicemail is now filled with messages from the agents of Vin Baker, Lattrell Spreewell, Shawn Kemp, and Dennis Rodman.

Hopefully he isn’t still drunk when he answers the phone…

- Scottie