Every writer makes their picks for the end of the year awards based entirely on the statistics of the first few months, and nearly all of the winners will inevitably be different at the end of the season, causing these writers’ all to look like morons.
The Well Below the Mendoza Line staff (both of us) are firm believers that predicting the end of the year awards at the halfway point of the season is irrelevant, so our midseason baseball awards are below.
Scottie will be in charge of the American League, which makes sense since he is the superior writer, and the AL is the only league in baseball that matters. Dave will be conducting our much anticipated predictions for the National League award w
inners. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the NL, it’s the other league in baseball, also known as “AAAA” (since it’s not quite on the same level as the AL). The NL teams are usually the ones swept by the AL in the world series.
AL MVP – Josh Hamilton. Wow, I feel wrong just writing that. Josh Hamilton??? His numbers can’t be ignored though… he’s leading the league in RBIs with an astonishing 82, his 19 homeruns are tied for second best in the AL, and he is batting .308 as well. More importantly, Hamilton’s success gives hopes to crackheads everywhere – three years ago he was addicted to just about every drug imaginable, including crack cocaine, he has been in rehab eight times since then, and has missed three and a half years due to his addictions. Now he’s near the top of AL in nearly every main hitting category. Maybe the Olsen twins and Lindsey Lohan should consider taking up baseball.
AL LVP – Paul Konerko. It appears that Konerko’s baseball abilities are depleting faster than the ozone layer. He continues to flirt with the Mendoza Line, hitting an awful .215, good enough for worst in the AL. At the midway point of the season, he’s currently on the injured list with an oblique strain, and only has 8 homeruns and 30 RBIs. If he ever recovers from his injury, he will surely be demoted to the NL, where his .215 batting average would be tied for 15th best in the league.
AL Cy Young – Francisco Rodriguez. See, this is why midseason predictions are useless. Does anyone seriously believe that Joe Saunders and Cliff Lee will still be competing for the AL Cy Young in September? I don’t, so I’m going out on a limb and giving the award to K Rod, who seems all but destined to break Bobby Thigpen’s record for most saves in a season. With 34 saves before the all-star break and a sub 2 ERA, he’s been virtually unhittable so far. In 37 innings, he’s only allowed 22 hits and 8 runs. He’s successfully converted all but two save opportunities.
Rookie of the Year –Joba Chamberlain. With only six career starts under his belt, he’s already the greatest pitcher in baseball history. Chamberlain is 6-0 as a starter this year, with 5 no-hitters and one perfect game. Amazingly, he has only thrown 12 balls, and those were on purpose – he loaded the bases simply because he was bored and wanted a challenge.
In all seriousness, I like Evan Longoria to win this award. Although I’d love to be a homer and go with my boy Jacoby Ellsbury, Longoria has put up better numbers than him in almost every category (except for the obvious, stolen bases).
Manager of the Year – Ozzie Guillen. Guillen epitomizes everything a good manager should be – he publicly calls out his players for sucking, strictly using profanity, he complains to the media that his GM is doing a shitty job, and overall is just a complete douche bag to everyone. Apparently this rather unique managerial approach is working though. His White Sox have the 4th best record in the AL, are tops in the league in homeruns, and also have the best ERA.
The Rolli
e Fingers Award for the MLB’s Best moustache – Jason Giambi. Giambi is resurrecting his career simply because of what he’s not doing: shaving the area above his upper lip. I’ve actually heard broadcasters say that Giambi resembles a “70’s era adult films star,” which is awesome, although I think he resembles more of a pedophile. He also publicly brags about wearing a gold thong under his uniform every game. No one in baseball looks cooler than him right now; he deserves some recognition for having the balls to grow a ‘stache like his.
The Rick Ankiel Award for the Player That Should Probably Start to Re-Think His Career Path – Dontrelle Willis. To help explain the downward spiral of Dontrelle Willis’s career, I found a quote from Jim Leyland: "He was actually not too bad. He was around the plate, wasn't really wild. He walked three guys but it wasn't like he was all over the place." FYI, these are post game comments from Willis's most recent performance... for Detroit's SINGLE A minor league affiliate. Ouch. He's been getting shelled consistently in the majors this year (0-1 with a 10.32 ERA in four starts) and now he's struggling against single A competition after being demoted to the Lakeland Flying Tigers.
The Michael Barrett Award for the Player I hope Hits Himself in the Face With a Foul Ball – Julio Lugo. Every day I wake up in the morning, log onto my computer, order a “Tom Emanski Instructional Baseball Video,” and ship it off to Julio Lugo. My odds are pretty good that he receives them – these videos surely aren’t going to get lost amongst any fan mail. However, since he’s only playing worse as the season continues, I’m fairly certain he pays no attention to my attempts at improving his awful play. The Red Sox are paying him over 9 million this year, and he brings absolutely nothing to the table. He’s batting .263, has only one homerun and 19 RBIs in 244 at bats, and is tied for the major-league lead in errors. Even more impressive is the fact that Lugo is quite fast, yet he’s managed to ground into 13 double plays, tied for 7th in the majors. The only thing Lugo does consistently is grab his nuts.
- Scottie
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