Juice Juice and KG

OJ

OK, hands up children, how many of you didn’t see this coming? This guy has been in and out of court ever since he didn’t kill his wife and her lover at his house with his knife and his glove and he went out for a drive with AC Green in his white Ford Bronco just for fun and AC was scared shitless and Juice wouldn’t pull over for cops because he absolutely didn’t kill anyone.
Yeah uh huh.
Did you hear the tape from this casino business? High comedy. To quote my main man Bill Simmons, OJ was having the ultimate “I’m Keith Hernandez” moment. The whole time he’s pulling the “do you know who you’re f#%king with” routine, I keep picturing that cartoon going “I’m the Juggernaut bitch!”
This guy has lost his mind, put him in jail. Now. Before he actually hurts someone.
Oh wait…

1/16/08
Part 2 of my extended rant on the news, I’ll be focusing on the sports section.
This time I’m in the air from Columbia, SC to Reno, NV, by way of Houston (H Town holla), on to my 6th state in 8 days. The country is slowly turning into a blur of airports and Hampton Inns, each place slightly discernable from the last merely by the food.
So without further ado…

The Mitchell Report

Does anyone care? Seriously. Lets really talk about this for a second. I mean the impact on the kids who idolize these meatheads is a tragic byproduct of an ugly chapter in the greatest game in the world. But other than that (I know it’s a leap of faith to ignore that glaring fact, but bare with me for a second), steroids saved baseball.
Yes you read that correctly, but I’ll repeat it for anyone who didn’t clean their ears this morning.
Steroids saved baseball.
Think back with me to 1998 (the year that saved The Game, in my humble opinion). Baseball was still reeling from the strike of 1994. Ticket sales were down. An expansion team had just won the World Series and promptly vacated its best players to the highest bidder (the first great MLB Fire Sale, a tactic the Marlins would employ again before 5 years were over). Fans were pissed, myself included. Then as the summer began two of the most famous roid raged lunatics in the history of the game embarked on a legendary pursuit of Roger Maris’s untouchable record. All of a sudden the seats were packed, ratings were up, and baseball was back on the front pages. And you are trying to tell me one minute of that great home run chase would have happened if McGwire and Sosa hadn’t been juicing? Puh-leaze.
Ever since then ratings are up, fans are packing the seats (every year since then has shattered the previous years attendance record, look it up), and TV ratings are at an all time high. You are trying to tell me steroids are ruining the game? Everyone knows the players are juiced up. Nobody gives a rats ass.
Congress should back off and let the players play the game. I don’t know what makes them think that they can solve the problem, they screw up everything else they touch.

NBA

On another, far more pleasant note, has anyone noticed that the NBA is back? Like really back, for the first time since the early 90s and the days of the Jordan dynasty. Its fantastic now. This is the best season I’ve seen since I was a tween (apparently that’s a term now, referring to the time between childhood and teenage years. I’m trying it out) and John Starks and Michael Jordan were showing each other up every year in the Eastern Conference Finals. I give credit to two places.
1) the Boston Celtics. The most storied franchise in the game picked up the most intense player in the nation in the off season, and Kevin Garnett has brought basketball back to the Garden. Real basketball. Last season I could walk up to the Garden and buy a ticket game day for like 10 bucks and a promise not to boo too loudly. I watched the Bulls DEMOLISH the C’s last season, and no one in the building gave a rats ass. This year, tickets are impossible to come by, and if KG hears you booing he will enter the stands and go Ron Artest on your ass. I’m positive that he has super human hearing, I won’t even boo him from my apartment 3 blocks away from the arena, I’m afraid I’ll wake up to him glaring at me in the middle of the night. I’m dead serious he frightens me. But in an awesome way.
2) Lebron James. When was the last time that any player, in any sport, received the amount of hype the King did and actually SURPASSED it? Ever. I defy you to find me one instance of it. You can’t. He is the most talented player in the league, actually plays like he gives a shit this year, and is just shitting on the competition. This kid is legit, and I have baseball cards older than he is, THAT I BOUGHT WITH MY OWN MONEY. His potential is unprecedented. I just hope he stays in Cleveland. That city deserves a break.
I can’t wait for the playoffs to start in April and be over in August. Seriously, it’s the longest playoffs ever. The only thing about the NBA they need to fix. Oh and Scot Pollard needs more air time. He’s hilarious.

-DV

PLAYOFFS?

woo hoo conference championship games!!


I’m sure Scottie will want to type up his own predictions also, but these are mine. And they are right, because I am awesome. Oh and also these are totally unbiased. Just the facts people, just the facts.

NFC
The Giants and the Packers
Wow how disappointed do you think the NFL was when Gladys Manning and the Pips knocked off the Crying TOs? Like “daughter dating a felon” disappointed? Or “son dropped out of college to grow weed” disappointed? Think about it. America’s team versus the second coming of Jesus. It would have been faaaantastic. The media orgy would have been ridiculous, only topped if Jessica Simpson left Romo for Favre (seriously, that’s not fair, he’s my quarterback).
But it didn’t happen. Eli proved once and for all that he is a far superior QB than his brother (more on that later) and defeated the Cowboys 78-64 (no idea what the score was, didn’t watch it don’t care, and I’m on a plane dammit).
Which brings us to Sunday. I think the Packers run away with this one. It takes a certain kind of crazy to win a game in Lambeau in January. Its something like -77 degrees there, and Manning does not have NEARLY enough facial scruff to keep himself warm. He would have had to start growing it in the 5th grade in order to compete with Favre’s 5 o’clock shadow.
Honestly I don’t give a crap about this game.
Green Bay 27, New York 17
Ryan Grant show strikes again.

AFC
The Greatest Team to Ever Put On Jockstraps and the Chargers
Now this is a game I care about. My Chargers don’t often get to actually win playoff games, so last Sunday was great. I’ve been jonesing for this rematch since last year. I don’t think the game earlier in the season counts, for two reasons. A) totally different teams suiting up this time and B) I don’t want it to.
I really think the Chargers have a chance in this game. This is BY FAR the best defense the Pats have played this year (at least the way they’ve been playing the last 9 weeks). The Flying Shaun’s (one’s technically a Shawne, but who’s counting) have been turned loose, and are expected to insert themselves in to Tom Brady’s nether regions with the opening snap. The Chargers’ secondary is also completely different. Keep in mind that Antonio Cromartie wasn’t even a starter when they played earlier in the season.
Tomlinson’s injury would be problematic if the Chargers weren’t in possession of the the best backup in the game. Expect Michael Turner to continue his bruising style of run, and Philip Rivers (if he plays, if not Volek can do this too) to exploit the extremely suspect linebacking corps of the Pats. These guys are a combined 2193847293 years old, and will be completely incapable of covering the Chargers in the flats. Darren Sproles could go apeshit again. Expect Gates to be far more effective as his toe heals and he exploits the Patriots inability to cover him.
I predict a shocker.
San Diego 31, New England 28
The Chargers will silence the critics and head to the Super Bowl for the first time since 94, and the Pats will cry their way home. At least it won’t be a long drive.

~DV