Wait, Someone Really Said That? Seriously?

Don't mean to double up on this here, but this was too much to let stand.

I was checking my fantasy team yesterday (named Dear God the Padres are Bad), when i saw a little star next to Carlos Guillen's name. Ever the dutiful fantasy owner, I immediately checked to see if there was any new super awesome news.

I was confronted by this monstrosity...

Guillen is struggling with a severe case of hemorrhoids, the Detroit Free Press reports.

Spin:

"He can hardly move - he's got hemorrhoids so bad," Tigers manager Jim Leyland said Tuesday. "He's been playing with hemorrhoids that probably need to be lanced. He probably shouldn't have been out there (at third base on Monday)." Guillen was at DH on Tuesday to give him a bit of a rest. He's been given some medication for now to treat his symptoms.

Holy shit. I thought you had to be at least 65 to get hemorrhoids. Couldn't they have picked something better to spin this? Like "Guillen is struggling with a severe case of Herpes," or "Guillen is struggling with a vicious case of Foreign Accent Syndrome."

Poor Grandpa Guillen, hope he recovers soon.

Wait, Someone Really Said That? Seriously?

Brent Barry, when asked about his 'spectacular' performance in last night's 93-91 loss to the Lakers:

"It's like putting whipped cream on shit"

In a related story, I'd eat whipped cream covered shit if doing so meant that the Spurs would be eliminated from the playoffs.

Finally, great no-call in the closing seconds of game 4. If Derek Fisher had been called for a foul, and Los Angeles had ended up losing the game, many objects in my house would have been destroyed. And pillaging would have been involved.

Is it obvious yet that I despise the Spurs?

- Scottie

Silly Sports Related Pic of the Week

Actually I should apologize for the misleading title of this post. I noticed that Scottie had posted a Red Sox hottie so I felt compelled to counter with a Padres hottie of our own.

Meet Carrie, blazing absurdly hot Pad Squad member (like cheerleaders but for baseball) here in San Diego. Carrie recently won a contest to become a Deal or No Deal model, which means she'll be leaving us for the big money. That's OK, we can still watch her from the relative comfort of our home (far less creepy than ogling her at games, trust me).

Her model bio page is here.

Go check it out...

Move Over, Erin Andrews...

Next week, I'll be moving from Maine to San Diego. While I won't miss much about the lame state of Maine (besides Dunkin Donuts and the lack of traffic), it's certainly going to be tough not seeing my dreamweaver Heidi Watney on a daily basis.

Heidi Watney is the recently hired sideline reporter for the Boston Red Sox. Since I've been able to watch nearly every Sox game this season, I've seen a lot of her. While she doesn't appear to be very bright, and she's not the most knowledgeable about baseball either, she's definitely one of the hottest reporters in sports.

Heidi is a former Miss San Diego, and four time Miss California contestant. She recently worked as a weekend sports anchor and reporter for KMPH Fox-26 in Fresno, and is a University of San Diego alumnus.

Do yourself a favor and watch some Red Sox games this season, not only because they're major league baseball's defending champs, but also so you can see my girl Heidi patrolling the sidelines.

- Scottie

Silly Sports Related Pic of the Week

He's just going to be hungry again in 20 minutes...

We can rebuild you, we have the technology...

So for the last two days, I've been trying to find a silver lining in the Black Wednesday injuries to Chris Young and Josh Bard. Lo and behold, I do believe I have found it.

I think that when Chris Young returns, he should be forced to wear the infamous Richard Hamilton Schnozeroo.

Just think of the possibilities!



Normal mild mannered Chris Young, seen here demonstrating his book smart nerdiness that got him through Princeton (Dorky McDorkerson if you ask me) would be transformed in to a sheer badass of ninja like proportions.

Here, let me demonstrate...

The following are top secret pictures acquired by the Mendoza Line staff, to be released here for the first time. As you can see, they show the remarkable transformation of Chris Young from mild mannered everyman to intergalactic tough guy. If you don't believe me, ask Derrick Lee.

Pre and post transformation pictures.



Look out league, the Padres are comin' back!

What's up, Doc?

Often in sports, we are blessed with miracles. A few historic examples include USA hockey defeating the Soviet Union in the 1980 Olympics, the Red Sox rallying from an 0-3 deficit to win the 2004 ALCS, and Doug Flutie’s Hail Mary against Miami in the 1975 Orange Bowl. On Sunday, we witnessed another miracle, when a horribly outcoached Boston Celtics team led by Doc Rivers somehow prevailed in Game 7 against the Cavs.

The Celtics were without a doubt the superior team offensively and defensively, and should have dominated every game, yet Cleveland was merely a few missed opportunities from winning the series. The reason Boston nearly lost was poor coaching.

I can’t totally trash on my boy Doc, because he didn’t do EVERYTHING wrong, I did agree with a few of his decisions. James Posey was the first guy off the bench in every game in the series. He’s arguably the best great defender on the Celts, and for 20 minutes or so each game, he gave Pierce a much needed break in guarding LeBron. It also should be known that this was a very obvious move… even someone as incompetent as Isaiah Thomas would agree with this. Doc also neglected to play Sam Cassell over the past few contests, which was a great call since not only was he shooting the ball horribly, he was forcing shots as soon as he caught a glimpse of daylight.

But…

1. What’s the deal with his substitutions?

I often find myself wondering if Doc Rivers is hammered during games. I think this is the only logical reasoning that can even attempt to explain his substitutions. Clearly there is no pattern to who he plays, and he surely doesn’t use anything close to resembling a professional basketball rotation.

Eddie House, a streaky shooter at best, only logs in like 8 minutes during the series, all garbage time. Suddenly, he plays 30 minutes combined in games 6 and 7. Leon Powe performs great in the first two games in Boston, and inexplicably sits on the bench for nearly the remainder of the series, single handedly killing his confidence. The ghost of P.J. Brown, whose legs appear to be glued to the court at all times, plays 20+ minutes in games 4 and 7, but is rarely utililized the rest of the time. Worse, "Big Baby" Davis, a ROOKIE (also a second round pic for those of you keeping track at home), plays 17 minutes in game 7, almost all of these being in the clutch. Just in case you missed it, "Big Baby" missed 6 of 8 shot attempts and turned the ball over a costly five times.

Some of these lineup changes did end up working out for the best in a few single games. House brought some much needed energy in game 6, and P.J. Brown had a significant contribution in the deciding contest of the series. But why did they occur in the first place? Yes, it's necessary to alter individual playing time in regards to matchups, to assure that the opposing team won't have an advantage. For example, the Celts probably wouldn't play Powe significantly against the Lakers, since he's an undersized forward that isn't very athletic and the Lakers are a huge, very talented team. But the matchups didn't change at all - the Celts were still playing the Cavs after the first two games, so why alter the lineup so significantly when it had been working well in the first place? Yes, Cassell needed to be benched, but was it necessary to sit Powe?

A consistent rotation is very important, especially the playoffs. When players aren't accustomed to the others being on the court with them, turnovers are the result.

2. Why not use the “Hack-A-Shaq” technique on Ben Wallace?

If Doc watched even the last five minutes of any quarter in the Spurs vs. Suns series, he would have seen how great this tactic worked for San Antonio. Popovich fouled Shaq when the Spurs were already in the penalty, and not only did it slow down the Suns’ potent offense that relies on the fast break, but Shaq only made 50% of his free throws (32 – 64).

Meanwhile, Ben Wallace makes Shaq look like Mark Price from the foul line. Wallace is the WORST FREE THROW SHOOTER IN THE HISTORY OF THE NBA, 41% for his career. Yes, while Shaq is still very awful from the free throw line, he's averaged 52% throughout his career, which is 11% higher than Wallace if you do the math.

Plus, Cleveland averaged about 950 foul shots a game, so the Celtics were always in the penalty at the end of quarters anyway. Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure that hacking Wallace a few times a game would take the ball out of LeBron's hands for some possessions, which would have been to the Celts advantage - this series was so close that every offensive set was crucial. It'd be a much better bet to force Big Ben to beat you from the line, rather than attempting to stop LeBron.

Jeff Van Gundy kept repeating this over and over again. It was to the point that I wished he hooked his mic up to the PA system at the Garden and passed the message along to Rivers. Anytime the announcer broadcasting the game is infinitely smarter than your favorite team’s coach, that’s a pretty big problem.

3. Design some quick-hitters for Ray Allen!

Ray Allen is the best shooter on the Celtics, hands down. Yes, he was extremely cold during the series, and couldn't throw the ball in the ocean, but he still had Wally fucking Sczerbiak guarding him. Wally is an awful defender - I'm positive that he is paralyzed from the waist down. Since poor shooting isn't something that's typically a problem with Allen, he just needs to get his confidence back up.

The only way for a marksman to regain his confidence is to make some baskets. He was constantly double teamed and wasn't getting any good opportunities. Doc needed to create some plays for Ray - set some screens and get him some open looks. After hitting a few open shots, he's bound to start scoring consistently again.

- Scottie

Wait, Someone Really Said that? Seriously?

Alex Rodriguez finally delivers in the clutch… In a meaningless mid-May simulated game.

Sunday evening, I see an article on the front page of ESPN.com that reads: "A-Rod Hits Grand Slam in Simulated Game." Intrigued, I click on the link. For those of you who don't know, these "games" consist of only a pitcher and a catcher. There are no fielders involved, not even Derek Jeter, who can surely use some extra defensive practice.

“It’s invaluable to get those at-bats,” said Rodriguez. “You can’t duplicate it anywhere else.”

… except maybe a batting cage?

Now is a homerun in a baseball simulation really that much of an accomplisment? If so, consider me Babe Ruth. One time when I was much younger, I played a simulated game in my backyard against my 7-year old brother. I had three grand slams, take that A-Rod!

A few other clarifying details:

• A-Rod’s grand slam was not a deep fly ball, it was actually a liner that was barely hit past second base. It took Yankees catcher Jose Molina, arguably the slowest person in the universe, 45 minutes to reach the ball. By the time Molina finally picked up the ball, not only had all four runs has scored, but every other Yankee that participated in the simulated game had showered and were already home.

• In Sunday’s simulation, Rodriguez had five hits in fifteen at-bats. He fared much better this time than he did during his simulated playoff game last October, when he was 0-20 with 14 strikeouts and hit into six double plays.

• While a 5-15 day at the plate may appear to be rather impressive, this means that the awful Yankees pitching staff managed to get A-Rod out ten times, without any defensive help whatsoever. I'm not even mad!

• The fact that A-Rod had five hits in the simulated game should not come as much of a surprise. It should be noted that he was batting against four members of the Yankees pitching staff, who have been getting shelled all year. Although Billy Crystal did not fare very successful in his preseason at bat, when he faced Yankees pitchers in a simulation, he hit .710 with six home runs.

• Rodriguez was also walked five times. Some of these pitches that were "just a bit outside" included balls that were thrown over his head, behind him, underneath his legs, and two were even thrown at his wife in the stands. One pitch hit him in the pinkie, causing him to flail around like a little girl, let out a high pitched scream, and start crying. Yes, of course this is true... If you look at this season's stats, the Yankee hurlers are far from accurate.

- Scottie

Silly Sports Related Pic of the Week

While the similarities between Sam Cassell and extra terrestrials are uncanny, I never knew that there was actually some validity in this comparison. As it turns out, before he was drafted by the Houston Rockets in 1993, the 38 year old point guard served as E.T.'s stunt double in the classic 1982 motion picture.

Wait, Someone Really Said That? Seriously?

Delonte West, Cleveland Cavaliers, on the issue he's been having with his eyes lately:

"It's hard to play this game with one eye unless you're a pirate."

I couldn't agree with you more, Delonte. Although pirates possess an abnormality that makes executing the fundamentals of basketball very difficult, these players have still been able to overcome all odds and display extraordinary success in the NBA.

Reasons Why I Hate The Spurs (and why you should too)

"As the Detroit player inched towards Manu Ginobili in an attempt to establish position, Ginobili dove to the ground as if a grenade had exploded nearby."

4 championships in 11 years... You Bastards

Even though he's played over 11 seasons in the NBA, Tim Duncan has never committed a foul. Simply amazing. (Yes, I stole this comment from Charles Barkley)

If you can't beat em, use an expendable bench guy to shoulder check the opposing team's best player into the scorer's table, causing him to break his nose. Real classy, San Antonio, real classy.

In a stunning chain of events, Tony Parker was driving to the hoop and suddenly he was shot down by a sniper in the nose bleed section!

Wait, nevermind, it looks like he's going to be okay. We just reviewed the instant replay and it appears that Parker inexplicably fell to the floor after missing a layup.

And yes, of course a foul was called, because no Spurs played would ever do anything that remotely resembles a "flop."

Did I mention that Parker is banging this every night?

- Scottie

Game 1, Celtics vs Cavaliers: Uglier than Kendrick Perkins

Remember the scene near the end of Billy Madison when Billy answers the final question using the "puppy that lost its way" analogy? Although it was quite funny, his response was so terrible that it caused everyone in the audience to be dumber afterwards. I couldn't help but think about this last night as I watched game 1 of the Celtics vs. Cavaliers series, which was by far the worst showing of professional basketball that I have ever witnessed.

The Cavs and Celtics botched this game much worse than Billy screwed up the Industrialization question. Similar to the Knibb high school principal, I was speechless after this horrendous performance. The game was downright awful, offensively and defensively. After the final buzzer sounded, I was half expecting David Stern to approach center court and utter a speech that concluded with: "Everyone in this crowd is now dumber for having watched this game. The Celtics may have scored more points in the end, but I do not award you this victory and may God have mercy on your soul."

Some may argue that both teams played great defense, which was why the final score was so low. If you believe this, you were clearly watching a 1987 Cavs vs. Celts game on ESPN Classic. Seriously, I’m a huge Celtics fan, but I’ve gotten more satisfaction out of preseason WNBA games. Okay, that’s a blatant lie, but that’s how bad it was to watch. There were 867 blown layups, passes inexplicably thrown out of bounds, 40+ turnovers that were caused solely by the offensive player, and a ton of missed shots. Cleveland shot 31% from the floor and only lost by 4! Meanwhile, Boston had 23 turnovers and shot barely over 40% and still managed to come away with a victory. Neither team deserved to win this game.

LeBron James had a truly remarkable performance, nearly achieving a triple double: 16 missed shots, 10 turnovers, but only 9 tears shed while complaining about calls that didn’t go his way. Ray Allen failed to score, just like in “He Got Game” when he turned away those hot twins, and Paul Pierce finished the contest with only 4 points. Pierce took almost as many charges (2) as points scored. Meanwhile, Kendrick Perkins outscored 2 members of the Big 3 COMBINED... when this happens and you still come out on top, it’s simply amazing. Other “highlights” included Perk almost getting hit in the nuts after misjudging a fastball that KG fired off the backboard, LeBron alternating his pivot foot like he’s in an aerobics video, and Big Z being fouled so hard that the cigarette almost fell out of his mouth.

The only positive note for the Celtics last night was that Kevin Garnett came to play, scoring 28 points on 60% shooting, primarily due to his patented 20 foot jumpers and fadeaway hookshots. Please, someone tell KG that he’s 6’11’’ and arguably the most athletic big man in the league. When scrubs like Zaza Pachulia and Joe Smith are guarding him, it's clearly in his best interest to work his way closer to the basket, since he can completely dominate these guys offensively.

Finally, my favorite play of the night was when Sam Cassell was lying on the ground and Big Z inadvertently kicked him in the head. Cassell immediately jumps up and without hesitating, challenges Big Z to a fight. Now it’s probably a good thing that Sam's teammates were holding him back, because E.T. surely would have been killed. However, it’s amazing that someone Cassell's size would attempt to attack a 7’3’’ 300lb giant that’s likely an assassin in the KGB. This situation shouldn't be much of a surprise; anyone that's seen Sam play over the years knows that while he may be rather small, he's always played like he's got a pair.

- Scottie

Silly Sports related Pic of the Week

"Clemens showing teammates his legendary workout routine."

...beat it.

and as a related bonus, the least surprising story of the week.

The Day That Turned Around a Franchise

Monday May 5 may be looked back upon as one of the turning points in this young Padres season. “I was absolutely elated, and it being Cinco de Drinko today, I’m shocked I even know what that word means. That’s just how excited I am,” exclaimed one tequila sodden Padres fan.

The cause of this city wide elation? Other than the fact that San Diego borders Tijuana, and therefore Cinco de Mayo takes on a whole new meaning, of course. It was this one simple fact.

The Padres did not lose today.

The character showed by this team on this fine day was extraordinary. Granted, they did not actually play a game. But the lack of a win does not dampen the sweet success of not losing. Believe me, I’ve seen this team play, and if anyone could get a loss on a day off, its these clowns.

So Bravo Padres! Bravo indeed. Keep it up, I hope to watch you not lose for a long time to come.