Remember the scene near the end of Billy Madison when Billy answers the final question using the "puppy that lost its way" analogy? Although it was quite funny, his response was so terrible that it caused everyone in the audience to be dumber afterwards. I couldn't help but think about this last night as I watched game 1 of the Celtics vs. Cavaliers series, which was by far the worst showing of professional basketball that I have ever witnessed. The Cavs and Celtics botched this game much worse than Billy screwed up the Industrialization question. Similar to the Knibb high school principal, I was speechless after this horrendous performance. The game was downright awful, offensively and defensively. After the final buzzer sounded, I was half expecting David Stern to approach center court and utter a speech that concluded with: "Everyone in this crowd is now dumber for having watched this game. The Celtics may have scored more points in the end, but I do not award you this victory and may God have mercy on your soul."
Some may argue that both teams played great defense, which was why the final score was so low. If you believe this, you were clearly watching a 1987 Cavs vs. Celts game on ESPN Classic. Seriously, I’m a huge Celtics fan, but I’ve gotten more satisfaction out of preseason WNBA games. Okay, that’s a blatant lie, but that’s how bad it was to watch. There were 867 blown layups, passes inexplicably thrown out of bounds, 40+ turnovers that were caused solely by the offensive player, and a ton of missed shots. Cleveland shot 31% from the floor and only lost by 4! Meanwhile, Boston had 23 turnovers and shot barely over 40% and still managed to come away with a victory. Neither team deserved to win this game.
LeBron James had a truly remarkable performance, nearly achieving a triple double: 16 missed shots, 10 turnovers, but only 9 tears shed while complaining about calls that didn’t go his way. Ray Allen failed to score, just like in “He Got Game” when he turned away those hot twins, and Paul Pierce finished the contest with only 4 points. Pierce took almost as many charges (2) as points scored. Meanwhile, Kendrick Perkins outscored 2 members of the Big 3 COMBINED... when this happens and you still come out on top, it’s simply amazing. Other “highlights” included Perk almost getting hit in the nuts after misjudging a fastball that KG fired off the backboard, LeBron alternating his pivot foot like he’s in an aerobics video, and Big Z being fouled so hard that the cigarette almost fell out of his mouth.
The only positive note for the Celtics last night was that Kevin Garnett came to play, scoring 28 points on 60% shooting, primarily due to his patented 20 foot jumpers and fadeaway hookshots. Please, someone tell KG that he’s 6’11’’ and arguably the most athletic big man in the league. When scrubs like Zaza Pachulia and Joe Smith are guarding him, it's clearly in his best interest to work his way closer to the basket, since he can completely dominate these guys offensively.
Finally, my favorite play of the night was when Sam Cassell was lying on the ground and Big Z inadvertently kicked him in the head. Cassell immediately jumps up and without hesitating, challenges Big Z to a fight. Now it’s probably a good thing that Sam's teammates were holding him back, because E.T. surely would have been killed. However, it’s amazing that someone Cassell's size would attempt to attack a 7’3’’ 300lb giant that’s likely an assassin in the KGB. This situation shouldn't be much of a surprise; anyone that's seen Sam play over the years knows that while he may be rather small, he's always played like he's got a pair.
- Scottie
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