Silly Sports Related Pic of the Week

annnnnd STAY DOWN!

Silly Sports Related Pic of the Week

I will point out two things about this picture:

1) these guys are college athletes.

2) notice the court that the team picture is taken on. No, your eyes doth not deceive you. That is an outdoor court surrounded by a chain link fence.

I am going to find a jersey and wear it every time I play basketball for the rest of my life.

Wait, someone said that? Seriously?!

"Plessico Barress"

That is all.

(apparently he went to Ladanian's "no warries" School of Broadcasting)

Wait, Someone Said That? Seriously?

News out of Jacksonville is that apparently Jags WR Troy Williamson wants to fight his former coach with the Vikings, Brad Childress, at midfield during the Minnesota/Jacksonville game on Sunday.

When asked his opinion on who would win this epic battle, Vikings Defensive End Jared Allen said the following:

"Coach Childress is a tough-minded guy. And he has a bad ... mustache."

I have a clarifying question for Allen. Is the mustache "bad" because it makes him look bad-ass or because it makes him look like a creepy pedophile? I opt for the latter.

Is this post over yet? Not until I display Childress's response to Williamson's jabs at the coach's weight:

"I'm not like a woman; I'll give you my weight. It's 190 pounds of twisted steel and rompin', stompin' dynamite."

- Scottie

Abandon Ship!

Apologies for the gap between posts. I've been slowly recovering from a particularly bad case of the Padres. It was completely awful. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

(this is a flag flying half mast, may God have mercy on our souls)

Pads vs Mets

Dinner, shminner. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the fourth inning and I'm up 2 to 1. Dinners come and go, Scottie, but San Diego, "the Friar," they only sweep New York once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

Wait... What?

Imagine my surprise when I looked at the newspaper this morning and read the following gem in the U-T:

"As the Padres feared, shortstop Khalil Greene fractured his left hand on Wednesday night when he slammed a storage chest at Petco Park in frustration over his season-long slump."

You have got to be kidding me. As if we weren't doing bad enough. Now we lost any semblance of defense we once had up the middle because Khalil Greene -- of all people -- decided to show some emotion and frustration and let loose for a second.

This is a team that routinely grounds in to double plays to end the game and doesn't seem to give two shits. The last position player with any emotion was forcibly thrown down by our fearless leader and strangled with his own ACL (see: Bradley, Milton).

I hate my life. Go Padres.

Silly Sports Related Pic of the Week

Trevor Hoffman shows a fan where Benji Molina's last HR landed.

WBML's Midseason Baseball Awards - NL

Since Scottie was kind enough to write about the AL (aka the league with the douchy-est fans in the country), I will now gladly do my first half of the season review of the NL. What a strange season it’s been so far. First of all, the reigning NL champion is a paltry 37 – 51. In fact, the NL West, one of the strongest divisions in baseball last year, is absolutely atrocious (combined 196-243). No one can win a game. The NL got absolutely stomped in interleague play this season, and looked completely outmatched by even the worst teams in the AL.

Not a good time to be an NL fan.

Without further ado, let me dive right in to my midseason awards:

NL MVP Award – Adrian Gonzales
Holy shit! Dave picked a Padres player! I know surprise surprise. But before you get all righteous and indignant, let me back up my claim. The pride of Eastlake High School is having an absolutely monstrous season, with 22 HR (3^rd in the NL), 70 RBI (2^nd in the NL), and 7 BroBI’s, which is far and away the most in baseball. As of today, Adrian is responsible for 30.6% of the runs scored by his team (70 RBI and 52 R, minus the 22 RBI and R that come from his HRs, out of a team total of 327 runs). Completely absurd. Too bad the Padres suck at life.

Honorable mention – Chipper Jones, Chase Utley, Albert Pujols

NL LVP Award – Andruw Jones, Michael Barrett (tie)
I don’t even know where to start with these two. Andruw Jones has been absolutely awful. Dude showed up to spring training this year looking like he was spending 100 dollars a day on 5 dollar footlongs from Subway. Just a giant FU to Dodger fans. Then he followed it up with hitting .155. His range in the outfield is completely gone. Awful. Oh yeah and they’re paying him $18.1 million. Per year.

Anyone who frequents www.gaslampball.com and sees my posts (as justdave) knows how I feel about Michael Barrett. But for those of you who don’t, let me enlighten you. I feel that he in unequivocally the most worthless player in baseball. This is a guy we acquired for his bat that is batting .202. Oh and that last at bat where he took a ball to the face? That’s his first at bat over the Mendoza Line since April. And did I mention he couldn’t throw out a Molina brother stealing 2^nd? Every single hit by an opposing team is instantly stretched in to a double, sometimes even a triple. I would argue that Michael Barrett is indirectly responsible for more Padres losses than any other player, and I encourage someone to do the research for me (too lazy).

Honorable mention – Barry Zito, Aaron Harang (for singlehandedly killing my fantasy team, that pick is out of spite)

NL Cy Young – Tim Lincecum
Oh man. Have you watched this kid pitch? Really? Here, look at this video. Read this article. This kid is 10 – 1, with a 2.49 ERA and 122 K’s, the most dominant performance by an NL rookie since the Doc in 1985. For some reason he isn’t starting the All Star game, and while Volquez is having himself quite a little season, he’s no Lincecum. This kid is the next superstar in MLB, mark my words. 5’10”, 172 lbs, throws 98(!!!!!!!!) mph, with a curveball that buckles my knees, and I’m watching him on TV. Yes, I have a man-crush on Tim Lincecum. Its pretty obscene.

Honorable Mention – Edinson Volquez

The Barry Zito Award for the Anti-Cy Young – Barry Zito
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA.
Stupid Giants, your money bought you a case of Herpes. He’s awful. His fastball has lost an extraordinary amount of velocity. His curveball doesn’t cross the plate for strikes. He’s had so many issues that it’s pushed Bruce Bochy’s abnormally sized head near the point of explosion. Their front office seems to have chosen poorly. Honestly? I couldn’t be happier.

Honorable Mention – n/a. no one is even close.

NL Rookie of the Year – Edgar Gonzales (aka Skinny Me)
Follow my logic here. Not only is Edgar hitting .309 (which to the Padres is like hitting .709), he is directly responsible for Adrian’s dominance this season. Adrian just looks happier with big Bro chillin on the field next to him. And if you combine their numbers together, they have 25 HR and 85 RBI, which means the Fighting Gonzalii are putting up MVP caliber numbers here (notice I have AGon as my MVP up there, like the continuity?) so they should at least be ROY, ya know? FOLLOW ME DAMMIT!

NL Manager of the Year – Bud Black
the man is an All Star Manager!!! You have to respect his ability to juggle the offensive three headed juggernaut that is the Padres Left Field (McAnulty, Hairston, Headley). I don’t know how he does it. And don’t get me started with his genius with our bullpen. Trevor never blows tie games! Put him in every time!

Seriously though it should be no one. Did you watch interleague play this year? We got outplayed, outmanaged, and outmoustached. Outhustled, outthought, outpitched, outhit, outeverythinged. We all suck. Our managers are garbage. I hate my life.

You gotta give Bob Melvin some love though, who else could coach a sub-500 team to the top of the mountain?

WBML's Midseason Baseball Awards - AL

It’s halfway through the 2008 baseball season, and you know what that means:

Every writer makes their picks for the end of the year awards based entirely on the statistics of the first few months, and nearly all of the winners will inevitably be different at the end of the season, causing these writers’ all to look like morons.

The Well Below the Mendoza Line staff (both of us) are firm believers that predicting the end of the year awards at the halfway point of the season is irrelevant, so our midseason baseball awards are below.

Scottie will be in charge of the American League, which makes sense since he is the superior writer, and the AL is the only league in baseball that matters. Dave will be conducting our much anticipated predictions for the National League award winners. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the NL, it’s the other league in baseball, also known as “AAAA” (since it’s not quite on the same level as the AL). The NL teams are usually the ones swept by the AL in the world series.

AL MVP – Josh Hamilton. Wow, I feel wrong just writing that. Josh Hamilton??? His numbers can’t be ignored though… he’s leading the league in RBIs with an astonishing 82, his 19 homeruns are tied for second best in the AL, and he is batting .308 as well. More importantly, Hamilton’s success gives hopes to crackheads everywhere – three years ago he was addicted to just about every drug imaginable, including crack cocaine, he has been in rehab eight times since then, and has missed three and a half years due to his addictions. Now he’s near the top of AL in nearly every main hitting category. Maybe the Olsen twins and Lindsey Lohan should consider taking up baseball.

AL LVP – Paul Konerko. It appears that Konerko’s baseball abilities are depleting faster than the ozone layer. He continues to flirt with the Mendoza Line, hitting an awful .215, good enough for worst in the AL. At the midway point of the season, he’s currently on the injured list with an oblique strain, and only has 8 homeruns and 30 RBIs. If he ever recovers from his injury, he will surely be demoted to the NL, where his .215 batting average would be tied for 15^th best in the league.

AL Cy Young – Francisco Rodriguez. See, this is why midseason predictions are useless. Does anyone seriously believe that Joe Saunders and Cliff Lee will still be competing for the AL Cy Young in September? I don’t, so I’m going out on a limb and giving the award to K Rod, who seems all but destined to break Bobby Thigpen’s record for most saves in a season. With 34 saves before the all-star break and a sub 2 ERA, he’s been virtually unhittable so far. In 37 innings, he’s only allowed 22 hits and 8 runs. He’s successfully converted all but two save opportunities.

Rookie of the Year –Joba Chamberlain. With only six career starts under his belt, he’s already the greatest pitcher in baseball history. Chamberlain is 6-0 as a starter this year, with 5 no-hitters and one perfect game. Amazingly, he has only thrown 12 balls, and those were on purpose – he loaded the bases simply because he was bored and wanted a challenge.

In all seriousness, I like Evan Longoria to win this award. Although I’d love to be a homer and go with my boy Jacoby Ellsbury, Longoria has put up better numbers than him in almost every category (except for the obvious, stolen bases).

Manager of the Year – Ozzie Guillen. Guillen epitomizes everything a good manager should be – he publicly calls out his players for sucking, strictly using profanity, he complains to the media that his GM is doing a shitty job, and overall is just a complete douche bag to everyone. Apparently this rather unique managerial approach is working though. His White Sox have the 4^th best record in the AL, are tops in the league in homeruns, and also have the best ERA.

The Rollie Fingers Award for the MLB’s Best moustache – Jason Giambi. Giambi is resurrecting his career simply because of what he’s not doing: shaving the area above his upper lip. I’ve actually heard broadcasters say that Giambi resembles a “70’s era adult films star,” which is awesome, although I think he resembles more of a pedophile. He also publicly brags about wearing a gold thong under his uniform every game. No one in baseball looks cooler than him right now; he deserves some recognition for having the balls to grow a ‘stache like his.

The Rick Ankiel Award for the Player That Should Probably Start to Re-Think His Career Path – Dontrelle Willis. To help explain the downward spiral of Dontrelle Willis’s career, I found a quote from Jim Leyland: "He was actually not too bad. He was around the plate, wasn't really wild. He walked three guys but it wasn't like he was all over the place." FYI, these are post game comments from Willis's most recent performance... for Detroit's SINGLE A minor league affiliate. Ouch. He's been getting shelled consistently in the majors this year (0-1 with a 10.32 ERA in four starts) and now he's struggling against single A competition after being demoted to the Lakeland Flying Tigers.

The Michael Barrett Award for the Player I hope Hits Himself in the Face With a Foul Ball – Julio Lugo. Every day I wake up in the morning, log onto my computer, order a “Tom Emanski Instructional Baseball Video,” and ship it off to Julio Lugo. My odds are pretty good that he receives them – these videos surely aren’t going to get lost amongst any fan mail. However, since he’s only playing worse as the season continues, I’m fairly certain he pays no attention to my attempts at improving his awful play. The Red Sox are paying him over 9 million this year, and he brings absolutely nothing to the table. He’s batting .263, has only one homerun and 19 RBIs in 244 at bats, and is tied for the major-league lead in errors. Even more impressive is the fact that Lugo is quite fast, yet he’s managed to ground into 13 double plays, tied for 7^th in the majors. The only thing Lugo does consistently is grab his nuts.

- Scottie

Danny Ainge: Please Put Down the Bottle of Scotch

As a Celtics fan, I’m a bit nervous about next season. After reviewing a few of Danny Ainge’s recent transactions, along with some new additions he’s considering, I’ve decided that one of two things is occurring:
1. Ainge has recently hired Isiah Thomas as his financial advisor
2. He’s currently on a three-week bender, spending his days drinking scotch with Tommy Heinsohn and watching game tape from the late 90’s. Due to this massive state of intoxication, he’s brainstorming thoughts like “Darius Miles played great in his cameo in “Van Wilder,” signing him would be an awesome idea” and “Corey Maggette averaged 22 points a game last season, we could have the big 4!”

If Ainge has been on an alcoholic binge, he has a good reason for it – in a single year, he completely transformed the Celtics from a perennial cellar dweller into NBA Champions. Entirely due to his successfully orchestrated offseason moves, the Celtics raised their 17^th world championship banner. The city of Boston will now love him forever.

But seriously, Danny, what the fuck are you trying to do to this team????

One of the key reasons the Celtics were so great is that they had chemistry last year. These guys all enjoyed being around each other. It was apparent from the beginning, during their preseason trip to Rome, and even more obvious while they were celebrating their victory in game 6 of the NBA finals.

KG, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen all put aside their own individual accolades and made sacrifices for the team, so that the Celtics would be more successful as a unit. James Posey came off the bench as a lock-down defender that consistently hit clutch shots, P.J. Brown played big minutes when KG or Perk were in foul trouble, Eddie House, Rajon Rondo’s backup, provided instant offense when he was used, and Leon Powe contributed with some much-needed rebounding and scoring. Each player had his own specific role – there wasn’t one man that stood above the rest.

Now it appears that Ainge is trying to ruin this chemistry. He recently drafted J.R. Giddens, and has brought in numerous players for workouts, two of which include (gulp) Corey Maggette and Darius Miles.

J.R. Giddens – Giddens had a remarkable senior year with New Mexico, leading the MWC in rebounding from the guard spot and was fourth in scoring. At the 30^th selection in the NBA draft, Boston couldn’t have picked up a player with more talent and potential. However, J.R. has had a very troubled past, which includes involvement in a plot to steal from wal-mart, he was charged in connection with a bar fight in Kansas (also being stabbed in the leg in the process), and was also suspended at New Mexico for an attitude problem. These incidents were all a few years apart, so it’s clear that Giddens does not learn from his mistakes. Does he really deserve a fourth chance?

Corey Maggette – Where does he fit in with this team? Not only has Maggette always been a me-first player that only looks for his own shots, but signing him eliminates the cap space required to sign James Posey. The Celtics would not have won their recent title without Posey. Joe Johnson would have scored 40 a game in the first round if Ray Allen was forced to cover him (look what happened at the end of game 4, Johnson was scoring at will) and Paul Pierce would not have been an offensive factor if he was exerting all of his energy guarding LeBron and Kobe for 40+ minutes a game. Pierce is a great defender, but he’s no James Posey. Corey Maggette would be cancerous to this team – he brings nothing to the table except his scoring ability, which is very inconsistent anyway, and he also doesn’t seem like the type of player that would embrace a reserve role.

Darius Miles – No, this isn’t a joke, the Celtics really did bring in Darius Miles for a workout. Since I’m sure you’d like to know, here’s what Miles has been doing recently: in the past three months, he has been suspended for 10 games for violating the NBA’s substance abuse policy, and was also told by doctors that he has knee damage serious enough to be career-ending. He hasn’t played in a regular season game since 2005, and to top it all off, he’s also historically been a locker room cancer. These are all well-known facts, yet Ainge still decides it would be a good idea to take a look at Miles. The one positive aspect of signing Darius would be that Scot Pollard would finally have someone that he could cheech his apartment with.

After the news of these workouts leaked, I’m sure Ainge’s voicemail is now filled with messages from the agents of Vin Baker, Lattrell Spreewell, Shawn Kemp, and Dennis Rodman.

Hopefully he isn’t still drunk when he answers the phone…

- Scottie

Silly Sports Related Pic of the Week

Michael Barrett practices his new strategy of posing like an idiot for 3 seconds before attempting to throw out runners stealing second, while his zoo-keeper watches on cautiously.

Most coaches agree that this move is completely f_cking retarded, and question whether he ever healed from his concussion.

"We need to keep him strapped down," said trainer Bob McBoberson, "or else he'll start swinging and missing at everything in sight."

Oh how the mighty have fallen...

2008 Mock NBA Draft - Picks #1-10

I’ve spent the majority of the morning glued to ESPN, and as a result, have watched roughly 14 hours of coverage on the 2008 NBA Draft. I’ve heard the words “upside,” “intangibles,” and “project” about 1700 times. My eyes are now bleeding.

In other words, I should probably start actively pursuing a job.

I do feel like I have a very thorough understanding of how this year’s NBA Draft will shape up, leading me to believe that I can now complete Well Below the Mendoza Line’s first annual mock draft! I’m limiting myself to the top 10 picks – by the time I’m finished, there will inevitably be a few trades that screw everything up, thus my mock draft will be deemed completely irrelevant.

Warning: These opinions and perspectives may or may not be mine – I’ve been exposed to so many of Chad Ford’s thoughts today that my predictions could come out exactly the same as his. I can’t make any promises…

1. Chicago Bulls – Derrick Rose, Memphis, PG. The Bulls have a tough decision here – do they choose an elite point guard that has been compared to Chris Paul and Deron Williams, or a power forward, with a ton of scoring potential, who’s heralded at the next Derrick Coleman? To me, it’s a no-brainer. Rose is originally from Chicago, and has publicly stated that he wants to play there. He’s very unselfish, plays defense, and will be a successful point guard in the NBA barring injury. While Chicago may already have an established point guard in Kirk Hinrich, would the Bulls even be considering Rose if management felt that Hinrich is their future at that position? Hinrich’s numbers were down in nearly every category last season, and his name is constantly involved in trade rumors, so it appears that Chicago is looking to move forward without him. Rose is the safest choice here, and should be the top pick overall.

2. Miami Heat – Michael Beasley. While I’m not sold on Pat Riley’s interest in Beasley, it seems like the only logical move here. The NCAA’s top freshman in 2007 has undoubtedly proven he can score. He dominated the post in college, even though he was constantly facing double teams, and he can shoot the ball exceptionally well for his size. Beasley’s defense is questionable, but come on, we’re talking about the NBA here – No one plays defense anyway! Critics also bashed Kevin Durant before last year’s draft for his lack of defensive ability, but unlike Durant, Beasely at least has the build to guard NBA players. Plus, Shawn Marion’s presence should compensate for Michael’s potential flaws on the defensive end. Miami can’t afford to pass on a player as talented as Beasley, so when it’s all said and done, he will be chosen by the Heat.

3. Minnesota Timberwolves – O.J. Mayo. I like this selection here for Minnesota. Mayo is a HUGE upgrade over their current starting shooting guard, Marko Jaric, and will add some much-needed defense to Timberwolves’ lineup as well. He also shouldn’t be forced to play out of position at point guard, since Randy Foye is the team’s self-proclaimed future floor general. Mayo is a great shooter, and should also be able to take some of the pressure off Al Jefferson, who is the only Minnesota player that can consistently score. Mayo should be able to contribute immediately for the Timberwolves.

4. Seattle Supersonics – Jerryd Bayless. Currently running the offense for Seattle is none other than Earl Watson! Although Bayless may be projected as a shoot-first point guard, he’s a much better option than Watson, and the Sonics do need another scorer to complement Kevin Durant. Adding Bayless to the team would give Seattle a solid backcourt for years. Unfortunately the Sonics can’t possibly screw up this draft as bad as they usually do; after John Riek withdrew, there aren’t any foreign, overrated, 7-foot projects available anymore. However, they still do need a center – expect Hasheem Thabeet to be damaging the Key Arena backboards with his errant shots during the 2009/2010 season.

5. Memphis Grizzlies – Brook Lopez. Let’s face it, Darko Milicic has used up all of his chances in the NBA. He’s terrible and should move back to Europe where the leagues are much less competitive. That being said, Memphis desperately needs help in the front court. Deciding whether to start Milicic or Kwame Brown is like choosing between a 1988 Ford Taurus and a 1988 Mercury Sable – both vehicles are basically identical, and equally as shitty, so either way you’re driving a very unreliable car. The Grizzlies have shown interest in Kevin Love, but I can see him being a bust in the NBA. Love is small for his position, and doesn’t have the athletic ability to make up for the size that he lacks. He’s not going to be a competitive as a power forward, especially in the western conference. Brook Lopez is tall enough to be a center, he’s athletic, and can use a wide array of moves to score in the post. Through his success at Stanford, he proved he could play in one of the toughest conferences in the NCAA.

6. New York Knicks – Russell Westbrook. Rumor has it that Mike D’Antoni doesn’t like Danilo Gallinari, so it doesn’t look like Gallinari will be chosen with this selection. Derrick Rose would obviously be an ideal fit for D’Antoni’s system, so if I were the Knicks’ front office, I’d be shipping gallons and gallons of alcohol to Chicago, hoping Bulls GM John Paxson will get so intoxicated that he offers his number one pick to New York in exchange for Stephon Marbury and Zach Randolph. Since that scenario is highly unlikely to happen, the Knicks should select Russell Westbrook here. He’s extremely talented, plays great defensively, and unlike everyone else that’s currently on the roster, Westbrook has the ability to run the offense. By drafting Westbrook, New York will actually have… wait for it… a point guard!

7. Los Angeles Clippers – Eric Gordon. The Clippers would love it if Eric Gordon falls this far in the draft. He is the shooting guard that they have coveted all along, since Corey Maggette is likely to opt out of his contract. He’s also the best player available here. Gordon can shoot extremely well, but that’s not all he brings to the table – he’s also fast, a great finisher, and has the potential to be an excellent scorer in the NBA for many years.

8. Milwaukee Bucks – Kevin Love. Due to Bobby Simmons’ inexplicably forgetting how to play basketball after he left the Clippers, Milwaukee needs to add a small forward to the roster. However, if Kevin Love is still available, the Bucks should choose him with this selection. Love can allow Charlie Villanueva to play the 3, where he is more comfortable, and should be able to contribute next season – Kevin is smart, he can rebound, and he’ll immediately be one of the best passing big men in the league. Plus, Milwaukee can add another white starter to the roster, so Andrew Bogut doesn’t need to high-five himself each time he attempts a free throw.

9. Charlotte Bobcats – Kosta Koufos. I’m going out on a limb on this pick, since none of the draft analysts are predicting Koufos to be selected this high. If I’m right, there’s a good chance I’ll replace Chad Ford as ESPN’s basketball version of Mel Kiper. Charlotte needs size. Emeka Okafor is relatively small for the center position, and it would probably benefit both him and the Bobcats if he slid over to the power forward. Taking Koufos here, a 7-footer who performed exceptional in his pre-draft workouts, would allow Okafor to play the 4 on a daily basis. Kosta is very skilled in the post, which would complement Emeka’s weak offensive game. In a completely unrelated note, if there was a basketball god, Koufos would be selected by Seattle. This would allow him to be teamed up with Robert Swift, also an ugly, white, 7 foot center with a face full of acne, resulting in a Sonics practice filled with unintentional comedy.

10. New Jersey Nets – Danilo Gallinari. We’re over 1,300 words, are you still reading yet? If Gallinari is still available at this pick, the Nets will take him here. He’s expressed interest in playing in New Jersey (so he’s obviously never been there) and would fit in well with the team. Gallinari is supposedly the total package – he can shoot, he can pass, and he’s a slasher. Sure, he could always be yet another European bust, but experts don’t think it’s likely since he’s put up good numbers in one of the most competitive leagues overseas. I did find it interesting that Gallinari is being compared to Toni Kukoc. Does that mean his ceiling is a role player that averaged a mere 11 points per game over an injury-plagued career? Is that supposed to be considered a positive compliment?

My predictions are complete and there haven't been any big trades yet - I consider that a victory!

- Scottie

Last Chance to Vote for Carrie

(Thanks to the guys at Gaslampball.com for pointing this out...)

Our own Carrie from the Pad Squad is in the final round of voting to become a Deal or No Deal model. If she wins, she will leave us. So please don't vote for her.

Just kidding, get your ass online and vote for this tower of hotness as many times as you can (I believe 10 times to be exact).

Link here...

or you can vote by texting "C" to 59595

DO IT!

Wait, Someone Said That? Seriously?: Youk

Terry Francona, when asked his opinion on Kevin Youkilis being referred to as the "Greek God of Walks:"

"I've seen him in the shower, and he isn't the Greek god of anything"

Tito, not only is that a bit too much information, it's also false... maybe he's the Greek god of small penises?

A Comeback of Epic Proportions

It’s been nearly three days, and I’m still in shock over Thursday’s NBA Finals matchup between the Celtics and Lakers. Down by 24 points against an extremely talented Los Angeles team, the Celtics pulled off a comeback of epic proportions, on the road nonetheless.

It’s been a very ironic past couple weeks for me. I’ve lived on the east coast throughout my entire life, but on June 3rd I relocated west to San Diego. The Celtics have always been my favorite NBA team, but it appears that I chose the absolute worst time to exit the Boston area. When I booked my flight in April, I had no idea that I’d be leaving during the franchise’s quest for their 17th championship ring.

Further complicating matters, I’m now only a few hours away from the enemy.

Since I reside in Southern California, I’m lucky enough to spend the majority of the 2008 NBA Finals surrounded by douche bag Laker fans. It’s widely assumed in this city that no one that lives here is originally from San Diego, but we’re still close enough to Los Angeles that there are a high abundance of people that root for the Lakers. Plus, with the recent success of Boston sports, the amount of people that resent these teams is increasing substantially.

I watched the game at “PB Bar and Grill” in Pacific Beach, a coastal neighborhood of San Diego. Surprisingly, there are a few bars in the area known to favor Boston teams. PB Bar and Grill was not one of them.

Anyways, here are a few of my thoughts:

The first half of this game was a terrible experience. Boston was getting killed and the Laker fans surely assured that me and the other five or six Celtics fans at the bar knew it. I was forced to witness cheers whenever Los Angeles made an exciting play, along with laughing and high-fives after every Boston turnover. I also received numerous text messages from my friend Tyler, a die-hard Lakers fan. Of course I had the last laugh, but this was all very annoying at the time.

I’m not sure whether Boston organized an amazing rally or the Lakers just historically collapsed. It was probably a combination of both. Regardless, it reminded me of a matchup in the Madden video game series. I’ll have an enormous lead after the first two quarters and everything will be going in my favor. My offense can’t be stopped, the opposing team can’t gain a yard against my defense, and I’m padding my stats in the turnover department. All of a sudden, the second half commences, and I can’t score a point. Computer bullshit completely takes over the game – Joey Harrington is 16-17, 250 yards and four touchdowns, and I can’t tackle to save my life. Garbage cornerbacks are picking off my QB left and right, and every time one of my players is wrapped up, he chucks the ball in the air like he’s holding onto a grenade. Usually my team still manages to win, but it's much too close for comfort.

Game 4 of the 2008 NBA Finals closely resembled my "Madden" experience not only because the rally was improbable, but also due to the fact that it wasn't simply Boston's stars that stepped it up. The role players also played a significant role in leading the charge. Just like I didn't anticipate Von Hutchins intercepting my QB three times, no one expected Eddie House to play 25 minutes and score 11 points. James Posey is primarily known for his defense, but he scored 18 points points in this game!

While the reserves were very productive, they only played significant minutes because of injuries to the starters. Therefore, as bad as it sounds, I think that injuries have benefitted the Celtics in this series. The Pierce injury in the first game shifted the momentum in Boston’s favor, and after that point, they never looked back. During their come-from-behind win in game 4, Rondo hurt his ankle and Perkins injured his shoulder. With Perk out, the Celtics were forced to play small, using KG at center and James Posey at power forward. Since Pau Gasol hasn’t established himself in the post yet in the series, and Lamar Odom usually plays out on the wing, this is a lineup that Boston can successfully utilize. It worked out great defensively and was a key factor in trimming the Los Angeles lead.

In addition, with Rondo favoring his ankle, Eddie House played a ton of minutes. Adding House to the lineup allowed the Celtics offense to flourish. Generally speaking, Rajon Rondo frequently damages backboards with his jumpshot. His jumper is awful – rather than falling in the basket, it’s much more likely to injure someone on the court. Knowing that Rondo’s shooting is suspect, Kobe Bryant, who is usually the lucky player assigned to Rajon, can play six feet off him and constantly double team whoever else has the ball.

Outside shooting is really the only skill Eddie House brings to the table, so when he is in the game, the Lakers can’t afford to leave him open. Even when House is cold, he’s still more of an offensive threat than Rondo. Too bad Doc Rivers didn’t figure this out earlier in the playoffs.

At the end of the game, I was almost positive that the Celtics were going to lose a heartbreaker. Completing this rally can’t be possible – If successfully executed, it would be the biggest comeback in NBA finals history. Even after Boston finally tied the game, I assumed that overcoming the lead had taken everything out of them, and the team would be running on fumes for the remainder of the 4th quarter. Kobe would inevitably hit some clutch shots and the Los Angeles crowd would carry the Lakers to victory.

Fortunately I was wrong.

Although both teams in this series blew seemingly insurmountable 20+ point leads at home, the Celtics were able to pull off the upset at the Staples Center, while Los Angeles came up just short in Boston. The reason the Celtics never completely collapsed is because their fans wouldn’t let them. The crowd at the Garden in game 2 never sat down and didn’t stop cheering, even when it appeared that their team could easily lose a contest that shouldn’t have been within reach in the first place. The fans kept the momentum in Boston’s favor and never lost faith. As a result, instead of flying across the country with the series tied 1-1, the Celtics retained home court advantage and were two wins away from their 17th NBA championship.

- Scottie

Wait, Someone Really Said That? Seriously?

Roger Clemens, on the recent allegations that he used yet another 'performance enhancing' drug: Viagra

"Forget about my 354 wins, 4,672 career strikeouts, and .658 winning percentage, the greatest accomplishment of my lengthy major league baseball tenure has been my ability to regularly pitch seven innings a game while concealing a massive erection."

Okay, you caught me, Clemens never actually said the above quote. But seriously... can life get any worse for him? Roger has been accused of using 26,129 types of steroids, lied about it under oath, and now he faces perjury charges, which will probably lead to prison time. Oh, and he also cheated on his wife with a 16 year old girl, and recently we find out that he can't even get a boner anymore.

Should you feel bad for him? Of course not. He is a giant bag of douche and deserves all of this negative publicity.

- Scottie

Sunday Funday!

Sunday, June 8th, 2008. Otherwise known among the Mendoza Line staff as "Sunday Funday." An alignment of the stars allowed us to witness something truly rare, considering the sorry sacks that we root for on a regular basis. All of our teams won. All of them. Every single team we care about in the tiniest amount. What can best be described as a complete statistical anomaly resulted in one of my more satisfied moments of fandom in my life. The only blemish on the day was that the Yankees won.

Let me elaborate, with the big three (in my horrifically biased opinion) taking precedence.

CROATIA 1 - AUSTRIA 0

I know what you're thinking. "Croatia is clearly not Padres related, is this a typo? Did I accidentally go to some crazy soccer blog? I WANT PADRES AND CELTICS NEWS!!!"

But as some of you may know, I am a Croatian-American, and therefore I must root for my countrymen whenever they are playing. And since I woke up to ESPN2 (and got a convenient text message from a soccer watching friend) I decided to watch.

Croatia was horribly outplayed for 86 minutes but still won, although being tremendously outmatched by the host country. Sounds like a Padres game, only with winning. Cheers to that.

PADRES 8 - MUTTS 6

So this was the greatest damn game ever. First of all, we got redonkulous seats via our good friends at stubhub.com (the pic is the view from our wonderfully priced 33 dollar seats, 16 rows from the field. Boo ya.)
I had a feeling the bats would wake up for this game, being that it was a day game and the Padres had managed to eke out four consecutive 2-1 victories. One out of every five games, the Padres are legally allowed to score more than five runs. Then they quiet down for a week, then score again. Its a tried and true Padre method of suckitude, and we do it well. Luckily our good pitching timed perfectly with our hitting, and we managed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat with a dramatic 8th inning HR by octogenarian Tony Clark. Follow that up with some old fashioned Trevor Time and I can say with confidence that this was the most entertaining game I've attended all year.

CELTICS 108 - LAKERS 102

Dear Jebus I hate the Lakers. Always have. As far as NBA teams go, I tend to just follow my UConn guys around the league, and I'll pull for the Bulls, but I'm generally neutral. Scottie, on the other hand, is a Celtics lunatic. That made this game particularly entertaining.

The C's jumped out to an absolutely insurmountable lead in the 4th, followed by what was nearly the most terrifying loss in basketball history. They simply stopped playing. There's no other way to explain it.

Have you ever been playing a pickup game against inferior opponents? The kind of game where you get up 13-2, then start relaxing and looking for exciting plays to have some fun. Then some random scrub on the other team closes his eyes and starts banging three's like he's the 5 foot 2 asian cousin of Ray Allan (this actually happened to Scottie and I in a pickup game last night. Bad times.) Before you know it the score is 13-11 and you actually have to start playing again? That's what happened to the C's, only instead of tiny generic asian dude, it was Kobe Bryant. If it hadn't been for Sasha Vujacic (Serb, so I don't care for him) thinking he should shoot a contested three at the end of the game, they might have actually come back. They shrank a 24 point lead with 7:30 left to freakin 2 POINTS!!!! with :36 left. Stupid.

OTHER VICTORIES
- Red Sox 2, Mariners 1: Shout out for Scottie and his crazy Boston people. Hey it's better than the Yankees.
-Pittsburgh 6, Arizona 4: YAAAAAARRRRRGH go Pirates! I love watching AZ's lead on the NL West shrink and allowing my previous prediction to come closer to fruition. Call me Carnac baby!
-Sunlight 100, Scottie's face 0: When attending Padres day games, one must wear sunscreen or a hat. Scottie ignored this rule, and now looks like the Kool Aid guy.

Mets vs. Padres: An Unbiased Perspective

This just in: Well Below the Mendoza Line will now post a non-biased article on the Padres!

Yes, this is Scottie Thompson, a life-long Red Sox fan’s perspective on his first visit to Petco park. (Sorry to go all ‘Rickey Henderson’ on you guys by speaking in the third person)

As a Red Sox follower, I feel like our wins are typically taken for granted. When the Sox are victorious in a regular season game, it doesn’t really matter that much to me– we’ve won so many games over the past few years, including two championships in the last four years, that a single victory isn’t really that big of a deal.

However, to a Padres fan, a team that’s basically been in the cellar all season, every win is enormous. After a seemingly uneventful win against the Mets the other night, Dave’s dad called his cell phone and they began to rejoice, as if San Diego had just sealed the NL pennant. Dave and his friends were all giddy when they were discussing the game.

Rooting for the Padres is like constantly cheering for the underdog, and it seems like its kinda fun. There’s no pressure at all for San Diego – If they lose, it’s expected, but if they win, it’s exciting.

A few things I noticed during the game:

1. Petco park is a beautiful stadium. Fairly large (it seats around 45,000), conveniently located, and overall a very fan-friendly atmosphere. We spent $35 on tickets and were nearly on ground level, directly across from the first base line.

2. There were a ton of Mets fans in the stands, in fact, we were completely surrounded by them. The two women in front of us were covered in New York apparel, and through their constant screaming, they made sure that they were always heard by everyone around them. At Fenway, these two would have been murdered by the second inning. They didn’t even appear out of place at Petco park.

3. San Diego fans have a very interesting method of heckling. Not only do they harass the opposing team, but in the process, they also heckle their Padres. For example, one man yelled “Hey Pedro [Martinez], you suck… you can’t even strike out Khalil Green, who is batting .210 and couldn’t even hit a beach ball!” The fans were critical of their own players, particularly the pitching staff. The starting pitcher was often yelled at for his reluctance to throw strikes and repeatedly allowing base runners to steal. There were numerous jabs directed at the usually unproductive San Diego offense as well.

4. I’m not a Padres fan, but I still found myself cheering along with them throughout the game. As I mentioned earlier, it’s like rooting for the underdog. On a few occasions, there were deep fly balls hit by San Diego players. The entire crowd stood up, completely silent as the ball traveled its course, waiting to erupt if it cleared the stands. Ultimately that didn’t happen, and the ball was caught. Everyone sat down, discouraged, even though they never expected a homerun anyway. Regardless, you could feel the disappointment spreading across the park.

5. When Trevor Hoffman comes in, the place goes absolutely nuts. “Hells Bells” plays, preparing the crowd for his entry, and everyone stands up and directs their attention to the bullpen. Hoffman emerges and the entire stadium immediately starts screaming and cheering. It’s amazing how much his presence fires up the crowd. The Padres fans are typically very pessimistic, except when he comes in… they know the game is over.

Overall, I had a great time today. The game appeared to be over in the 8th inning, the Mets up 6-4 with Billy Wagner entering the game, who’s been nearly unhittable so far this season. Plus, a 2 run lead against the Padres is usually insurmountable, since they only score a few times a week.

Tony Clark steps up to the plate with a 3-2 count, two outs and two runners on. The entire stadium is on their feet, hoping for a miracle. Suddenly Clark hits a towering shot over the center field wall. As soon as his bat connected with the ball, there was no doubt that it was leaving the park. The crowd went crazy, and I found myself high-fiving everyone seated close by. Sure, the win didn’t mean as much to me as it did to the thousands of people surrounding me, but I still felt as if I was sharing the same sense of joy they were experiencing.

An outsider would have viewed this as a meaningless win due to its circumstances – a mid-season game against a mediocre non-divisional team. Witnessing that game at the stadium today, however, I felt like I was part of something much more significant.

- Scottie

The NHL - Where Fun Goes to Die

A few days ago, I experienced something more painful than urinating shards of glass: I tuned into game 5 of the Stanley Cup playoffs, Red Wings vs. Penguins. Even worse, I decided to write a running diary on it.

The writers of "Well Below the Mendoza Line" realize that we need to broaden our audience, since there are only a small percentage of San Diego Padres & Boston Celtics fans in the world. We aren't biased, just lazy.

The results: I've now appeased the few NHL fans in the country (as long as you don't mind my blatant criticism of this terrible excuse for a sport).

I don't think I've watched a hockey game in ages, which is surprising since I'm from Maine... Now I know why. This was the most boring sporting event I have ever witnessed, hands down, and I didn't even start watching it until the start of the second overtime!

11:43: Shot of token Canadian sideline reporter named “Pierre,” a mandatory figure at every hockey game.

11:44 – Nothing pumps me up more than an “All-American Rejects” song!

11:45: Pittsburgh subs in their second line, which is 5 guys at once. This leads me to believe that Doc Rivers is coaching the Penguins tonight.

11:47: Both of these announcers sound very Canadian, which must be a requirement for hockey, because I’m sure you have to travel far and wide to find an American that enjoys this sport.

11:48: I’ve been watching for five minutes and no fights yet! I thought there were like 97 fights a game?

11:48: The announcer just reminded us that next goal wins…we’re 5 minutes into the 2^nd overtime

11:50: Apparently a controversial penalty of “goaltender interference” was just called on the Red Wings, which has really fired up the announcers. The only thing worse that could have happened is someone drinking their last Molson.

11:51: We’re told yet again, “next goal wins!”

11:52: Two minutes pass by where Pittsburgh has an extra player, and they still can’t score. This doesn’t make sense to me. In the NBA, the opposing team could probably score 20 points in two minutes of 4 on 5.

11:55: This is starting to get boring – Someone needs to do something exciting, like take off their skate and slit someone’s throat with it. Where’s Todd Bertuzzi when you need him?

11:57: We almost witnessed a fight, but it was merely pushing and shoving. My #1 stereotype of hockey has been ruined… no wonder why no one watches this sport.

11:59: These goalies are either really awesome, or these two offenses are terrible. I’m not sure. Detroit has taken like 86 shots so far, and the Pitt goalie has stopped them all.

12:00: Where the fuck are all the commericials? If this was the NBA or NFL, there would have already been 76 commercials in this period alone.

12:01: Dallas Drake enters the game, who, judging by his name, must be a porn star. I can’t wait to see his sketchy moustache.

12:02: My attention span is dwindling, it’s been almost 20 minutes now and no one has put the puck in the net. There was more scoring in my freshman year of college.

12:03: They just panned across both benches, and EVERY SINGLE PLAYER had a moustache/beard combo. All of them. Meanwhile, I’m 24 and can’t even grow one single chin pube. I don’t think I’d be allowed to play hockey.

12:06: At last, I’ve found a rebellious player: Malkin isn’t sporting a stashe or beard. The Canadian Mounties need to arrest this man!

12:08: Big hit by Detroit, finally, something relatively exciting has happened. At this point, I think a preseason WNBA game would be more stimulating.

12:09: Still no commercials. Hasn’t anyone in the NHL ever thought “hey, we’re broke as fuck and we need to raise some money. How about we advertise?” Seriously, are any of the NHL execs aware that these games are televised? At least broadcast a Molson or a french fries and gravy ad. Get some damn sponsors!

12:11: The NHL is a professional sport, right? (I'm sure some would claim to differ). To pump some excitement into the league, why not legally permit steroids? Could you imagine a hockey player with roid rage? Hell, I'd watch every game for the opportunity to see that on a daily basis - angry Canadians checking opposing players through the glass, swatting guys with their sticks, and brawls every other second. Fuck the scoring, everyone knows that people only watch this game for the fights anyway. Steroids would clearly make the inevitable confrontations more interesting. Come on NHL, lets make it happen!

12:13: Please. End. Soon. For the love of god.

12:14: End of the 2^nd OT, still going strong.

12:15: and the Intermission Report begins, sponsored by…wait for it… Heineken! Apparently the NHL thinks its primary audience is young black men.

12:18: FYI - the NHL on NBC is brought to you by Honey Dew Donuts and Amica insurance!

12:20: The announcer tells me this is fun to watch, and I’m not sure if he’s watching the same game as I am.

12:30: OT #3 begins

12:33: I just realized the last time I watched hockey was “Mighty Ducks 2,” which was at least mildly entertaining.

12:39: Hey I just found out again that the next goal wins. Listen – anyone that’s watching a hockey game at 12:40 is very dedicated to the sport, (except me, I’m just really fucking bored) so I’m sure they are familiar with the rules.

12:41: High sticking penalty called on a Detroit player who looks asian. 4 minutes in the penalty box. In other words, four more minutes where Pitt has a clear advantage and will still probably blow it.

12:45: Goal!!!!!!! Apparently this Sakora guy called his shot by claiming that he’d get the game winner, and he did. Pitt wins 4-3.

On to Game 6, which I’m sure will be an awesome game. Seriously, let me know how it goes…

- Scottie

Silly Sports Related Pic of the Week

Brad May and Alexei Semenov rejoice in the news that California is considering legalizing gay marriage.

"Thank God I was traded to the Ducks," exclaimed a breathless May, who joins Semenov (San Jose) playing in California.

Wait, Someone Really Said That? Seriously?

Although the upcoming statement is from August 10, 2007, I believe it's wrong to have a column dedicated to hilarious & asenine quotes, and fail to include Scot Pollard, the NBA's king of both intentional and unintentional comedy.

Pollard, at the press conference after the Boston Celtics signed him and Eddie House:

"Getting Kevin Garnett has been kind of a big deal. But now that the two of us are here, you really have a chance. I'm excited to be the cornerstone of this team."

I'm not even going to add anything here...

- Scottie

Bold Prediction

The Padres will pick up 5 games on the NL West and only be 3 games back by the All Star Break. Yeah I said it.

Wait, Someone Really Said That? Seriously?

Don't mean to double up on this here, but this was too much to let stand.

I was checking my fantasy team yesterday (named Dear God the Padres are Bad), when i saw a little star next to Carlos Guillen's name. Ever the dutiful fantasy owner, I immediately checked to see if there was any new super awesome news.

I was confronted by this monstrosity...

Guillen is struggling with a severe case of hemorrhoids, the Detroit Free Press reports.

Spin:

"He can hardly move - he's got hemorrhoids so bad," Tigers manager Jim Leyland said Tuesday. "He's been playing with hemorrhoids that probably need to be lanced. He probably shouldn't have been out there (at third base on Monday)." Guillen was at DH on Tuesday to give him a bit of a rest. He's been given some medication for now to treat his symptoms.

Holy shit. I thought you had to be at least 65 to get hemorrhoids. Couldn't they have picked something better to spin this? Like "Guillen is struggling with a severe case of Herpes," or "Guillen is struggling with a vicious case of Foreign Accent Syndrome."

Poor Grandpa Guillen, hope he recovers soon.

Wait, Someone Really Said That? Seriously?

Brent Barry, when asked about his 'spectacular' performance in last night's 93-91 loss to the Lakers:

"It's like putting whipped cream on shit"

In a related story, I'd eat whipped cream covered shit if doing so meant that the Spurs would be eliminated from the playoffs.

Finally, great no-call in the closing seconds of game 4. If Derek Fisher had been called for a foul, and Los Angeles had ended up losing the game, many objects in my house would have been destroyed. And pillaging would have been involved.

Is it obvious yet that I despise the Spurs?

- Scottie

Silly Sports Related Pic of the Week

Actually I should apologize for the misleading title of this post. I noticed that Scottie had posted a Red Sox hottie so I felt compelled to counter with a Padres hottie of our own.

Meet Carrie, blazing absurdly hot Pad Squad member (like cheerleaders but for baseball) here in San Diego. Carrie recently won a contest to become a Deal or No Deal model, which means she'll be leaving us for the big money. That's OK, we can still watch her from the relative comfort of our home (far less creepy than ogling her at games, trust me).

Her model bio page is here.

Go check it out...

Move Over, Erin Andrews...

Next week, I'll be moving from Maine to San Diego. While I won't miss much about the lame state of Maine (besides Dunkin Donuts and the lack of traffic), it's certainly going to be tough not seeing my dreamweaver Heidi Watney on a daily basis.

Heidi Watney is the recently hired sideline reporter for the Boston Red Sox. Since I've been able to watch nearly every Sox game this season, I've seen a lot of her. While she doesn't appear to be very bright, and she's not the most knowledgeable about baseball either, she's definitely one of the hottest reporters in sports.

Heidi is a former Miss San Diego, and four time Miss California contestant. She recently worked as a weekend sports anchor and reporter for KMPH Fox-26 in Fresno, and is a University of San Diego alumnus.

Do yourself a favor and watch some Red Sox games this season, not only because they're major league baseball's defending champs, but also so you can see my girl Heidi patrolling the sidelines.

- Scottie

Silly Sports Related Pic of the Week

He's just going to be hungry again in 20 minutes...

We can rebuild you, we have the technology...

So for the last two days, I've been trying to find a silver lining in the Black Wednesday injuries to Chris Young and Josh Bard. Lo and behold, I do believe I have found it.

I think that when Chris Young returns, he should be forced to wear the infamous Richard Hamilton Schnozeroo.

Just think of the possibilities!



Normal mild mannered Chris Young, seen here demonstrating his book smart nerdiness that got him through Princeton (Dorky McDorkerson if you ask me) would be transformed in to a sheer badass of ninja like proportions.

Here, let me demonstrate...

The following are top secret pictures acquired by the Mendoza Line staff, to be released here for the first time. As you can see, they show the remarkable transformation of Chris Young from mild mannered everyman to intergalactic tough guy. If you don't believe me, ask Derrick Lee.

Pre and post transformation pictures.



Look out league, the Padres are comin' back!